I have been cleaning out some old stories that i never finished or don't seem to be my words. When you are unwell it kills the time, and JIm would kill me if i hoovered today. Anyhoo, to make the house less quiet,I am playing Jim's Jose Feliciano tape. Every song is so different and some have no words at all, just his classical guitarist self coming out.
I think he was a little ahead of his time, and any new recordings he might make now would almost certainly "go viral" as the kids say.

Dying of boredom

There is a dark black hole out there somewhere and as often as I step in it, you would think instinct alone would tell me to run. I sense it may be near, and yet i need to dance over, around challenge it and go  through it to prove i am not scared.
I am so scared of the hole I could spit.The dry-mouthed totally frozen kind of reaction that nearly stops my heart. He is not going to change, and I am not going to change, and i stand as tall as I can and jump.

Shall we say men and women are different and leave it at that?

How is it possible to love someone so much and what to hit them with a spade at the same time? More politics from the rugby front and I am to keep a smile on and say nothing. It is not me he is having a pint with tonight, and the cat is even able to tell how mad i am and tip-toe around the joint.

Some blessings.

Knitting Needles!

We had a lovely breakfast at the Coffee Bean in Renfrew this am. If i tried to be more awkward I could not have succeeded. I came into the restaurant to find three members of staff taking a wee break cause the place was empty between breakfasters, I thinking the whole world lives for my humor, walked up to the table and said,"I am gonna sit here because it is easier to eavesdrop that way!", seriously thinking I would get  laughter thunderous applause and the like. One girl stared at me like I had two heads, and the other two were polite cause I am a customer. If only I was as funny as I think I am.

Then miss Big Bosoms no brain came to take our order. I do not eat the  big lumberjack breakfasts JIm likes, but I felt like living a little dangerously. SO instead of a bacon roll I ordered a doubler.That would be the bacon of two rolls, but not all the bread. The waitress said that the doubler comes with two fillings what did i want with my bacon, to which i said bacon. I meant to imply twice on the bacon. Then Jim jumped in to help, and then I was almost in tears. I am a wordsmith. I hunt for the right word to convey exactly what I mean all the time, and in real life with no computer I am constantly misunderstood. It isn't always the American slant on things, I genuinely cannot seem to say what I mean. I know what it sounds like in my head, but it comes out gibberish. And not just when the girl has more chesticles than brains.

Then i went next door to the overpriced gift shop, because I dont know where to buy knitting needles, cause I needed a size ten needle. Instead of telling where they were, she asks me what I am making. Fair enough, I told her I was making a blanket. What colour? Well I said I have some yarn to use up. I just need someone to cast the stitches on for me I said. She looked shocked and said, you are buying needles and you don't know how to knit? In my frustration i said, so you don't have needles, again coming off as a two-headed meany with a wart on my nose.

If I knew anywhere else that sold knitting needles I would have just walked out. She got my needles, I got saved by the bell as Jim sauntered into the store and we left. By the way, if any of you know ALison the wonder woman, she is gonna put the stitches on for  me. SO there rude lady from the shop. Wanna go to the Coffee Bean with me anyone? I saw a lovely carrot cake with my name on it there.

Blessings.

9000th viewing

I recently quit wrote my elders to explain why i had not been going to my new found church. I am sick, a lot and i feared they would worry i was unwell, which happily is untrue. I will always be sickly, but i am plenty healthy enough to attend church should i so desire.
I played a lot of games in my head as to the why I was playing hooky, but after looking at it from a few angles(trying to place the blame somewhere else) no matter it is no longer about what first annoyed me, not to attend is a choice, and one that I regret bitterly.

In addition I have been really feeling well enough to attack my house a bit more, so I am not blogging or Face Booking as much. The upside to blogging is it gives me an outlet to all the thoughts that buzz around in my head, and without blogging the whispers and tapes start rolling again. I was once told that I was so stupid I stank. I was once told I was a God-send. I was once told I was just mean. In school, people with no self-respect called me tank. It made me different because I was fat, and because I had a brain.

The only person who mattered to me growing up was Chucky. He said I was alright, and so I knew I was. His Mom was my babysitter and she lavished love and attention on all of us kids, not just her own. I miss her to this day, and many things have come up I wish I could talk over with her.

As Fall approaches I am a bit homesick for the apple-picking and making grape fruit wreaths after the grapes were picked. I miss popcorn and cider made at the Stoltz residence. A lot of my best memories are at Ellen's with no kids or men around. Jack liked when I came because I would pitch in. I could clean and Ellen could cook and Jack seemed please we spent time together. Plus, Ellen had a modern dishwasher, can you imagine?

I sometimes get mad at her family for how they treat her, but she puts up with it and seems happy with Jack so I don't push it. I have yet to meet the man who just chips in without suggestion, although my illness has made Jim more essential than I would have liked. I do not like knowing I would be sunk if Jim left me, so I comfort myself hoping ot would be somewhat hard for him too. It is so hard to trust someone would be here because they love me, so I foolishly keep trying to win the man I already have. Re-reading that last sentence sounds crazy to me, too .
Well, I am hoping to get to Murettes house to visit this weekend, and to get my fat butt to church Sunday. Time to face the music before they really do forget me. Thanks for your prayers for Murette, she is coming along great, and is home already from the ward. She doesnt ride with us any longer, as she requires a two-man ambulance the now. I am (yes I know) kinda missing her. Oh well, more news as soon as I make some. Bye for now and blessings.

this marks my 9000th post read.

I live in a land that after the Dunblane tragedy, the people decided to voluntarily give up most of their guns. This was poignantly brought home today when two policewoman, responding to a domestic burglary report were assassinated and then a grenade was thrown at them. After a while the fellow turned himself in, and come to find out was wanted already for some previous murders allegedly. He was at least a person of interest in previous grenade toting crimes.

Now do i think America is foolish for all their gun toting weirdos> You bet I do. But tonight I wonder about a land where police can be killed with no thought of capital punishment. At the very least, I think guns are appropriate for domestic calls, because the fellow today lured the cops to where he was with a false report of a crime. This shows a level of premeditation, and so the eternal dilemma begins. DO I really believe in fewer guns out there? and what if me or mine are assaulted with gun crime?

IN my home nation, i think there are tougher penalties for killing a police dog than the man who killed these women will get. I am honest enough to say no sentence will bring the women back, but you can't only have gun control when it suits you. You either have iit, and live with the repercussions, o we become another America, where their children are mowed down like grass in school and playgrounds. Having said all this, no gun the carried would have stopped a grenade lobbed at them, either. We mourn with the Police force tonight and support the many who risk their lives so I can be safe within my home. I pray there is a hell tonight, so that Karma can do what our legal system cannot.

Blessings, especially to the families left behind in this tragedy.

Sad September

This morning as I was dressing I noticed something new to me. The last few letters in September spell ember. To me ember implies heat, and September is when Dad always brought home the wood he had chopped all summer. He would try when possible to use wood that was already down, although being dried
it was harder to chop. My dad taught me the old saw, chopping wood warms you twice. It is when we got a winter deposit of fuel to back up cold days when Dad was at work and the fire went out.

If I had it to do again, I wish I had filled the wood box more often. I wish I had done something nice for him for all those nights he had to get out of a warm bed and go down  to the cold manky basement to get wood for the firebox Bill and I never filled. If Dad had lived till I was a parent I think he would have seen me finally mature a bit. But wishes aren't actions and i was a selfish kid. I wanted fire and i didn't want to help get it.

I often wonder why Dad loved Mom and us so, he was constantly nagged and called names, and we did not have compassion because we had never loved someone so flawed. Now i am with JIm I can see how you can love and dislike someone sometimes at the same time. My head can hold those two incongruous thoughts. Or maybe I am the looney.

I miss my Dad. I used to miss him as my hero, now I know he was very human, and somehow i love him even more. But I wasted a lot of chances to see him that I wish I had taken. Don't be like me. Give the old man a call. He may one day have a home he can't take calls in. I used to hope there was a heaven so I could go there. Now i pray there is one so my Dad is reunited with his brothers, and happily waiting.
Blessings.

Homely on the Range

Aren't words funny things? If you called an American homely, they would probably punch you, (we say homely as a hedgehog, so they must be very ugly!) but here in Scotland it means warm and cozy, as in a homely home. If words didn't fail us so often across borders, we probably would have much fewer disputes and wars. Now on the other hand, the romance languages-based on a lot of Roman words like Italian, French, Spanish and Portuguese have words so similar that if you were fluent in any of them you could probably get the gist of most conversations. 

If that weren't confusing enough, many people invent words, either to make a line rhyme in poetry, or there is a new invention that needs naming, or lovers who want a language only they understand. The Bible says at one time mankind had language, and it was common enough they were gonna build some kind of tower. I won't get into the politics of it, but suffice it to say God confused the languages so much that in frustration they gave up on the tower.

Interestingly enough, on the day of Pentecost, there were many people in the city from all over the world at that time. Imagine all the languages and dialects you would hear as you walked the streets of Jerusalem? When the Holy Spirit comes down on the Christians what does God do? He gets his message preached, but not in Latin, which most would need to know to conduct business in the city, but each man hears the gospel message in his own words.

Despite all the shepherd and sheep images, another common name for  Jesus is "the Word" and He was Gods way of saying despite Adams flaws, we could be united with God forever. That is why the Bible was sometimes called the "Good News".
Blessings. Have a great Day. Think about some of your words.

September 11, 2012

Ten years ago today, I announced to my work that I would be leaving in the fall to go to Scotland. I felt I should give them time to train my replacement, and that it was the right thing to do. They promptly fired me. I guess I wasn't as hard to replace as I thought. In the days that followed,i came to question the wisdom of being so far from home when the "war on terror" was about to erupt. As many of you know, i second-guess every decision I ever made. My police type relations said "for all you know he may be an ax-murderer." I think my Mom just worried if I got into trouble I would be too far away to help me.

I wanted a new life. More than my little chicken heart was afraid of change, I needed a second chance. Have you ever felt that way? I just wanted to go back to GO and start over. I wanted a chance to be happy. I wanted more than that, to get away from "the people who loved me". After my divorce I could not see the forest for the trees. I felt lost and afraid. How could anyone leave someone as wonderful as me? I was about 44, not that good looking, and more than a little overweight. Oh, and Jim loved me.

Not with blinders on, but knew me inside and out as much as you can know someone you haven't lived with yet, and wanted to marry me anyway. SO after negotiations the Kremlin would be proud of, Jim helped me sell up and walk on that plane. Mom and Ellen surprised me at the airport, and Jim surprised me  at the other airport because he had cut his hair so short i didn't recognize him. And what was the catalyst for all this change? Fred dumping me. I am so afraid of change I would have stayed with him forever. Plus I had this weirdo idea of Gods opinion of marriage. SO in a weird kinda way, Fred set me free to be this happy in the second half of my marriage. We quarrel and all, we are very emotional people, but I appreciate being with someone who can put thoughts together. I wish sometimes I could control those thoughts a little, but I can't and even though he doesnt believe in the "God" he allows me to do anyone thing i feel i need to to be happy.

One thing we learned, life is short, and we prefer to be happy. So we are. Thanks for listening.

Well done Andy Murray.

A storm is Brewing...a study in fear...

Scotland had its first hurricane this year, and as I write this East Coast as far as NY is getting slammed. I was trying to count all my family in NY still, and the number is amazing. Not to mention Marguerite and Ellen Sue who were the sisters I never had. I graduated with 205 and i bet at least half of them are in NY somewhere.

Elisa and her family are in NYC, and Billy is in Goveneur, so we have the whole state covered with our family. I am praying tonight that all of you are safe and well, and as Jean said, "no news is good news".

Jeff and Debbie are in Central NY as well as Deb and Patty Sue. I have to stop naming them because I am gonna cry. I left Camden, but i never left them in my heart. Uncle David and Aunt Jennifer and Barbie are in CNY as well. Oh Lord watch over my little family, and let them know how much i love them.

My Dad was very calm and at times like this i miss him most.

Talk to you soon. Take no chances with your safety.

Blessings.

Brian and Michele Farmer

here is a small portion of an update from Michele on Brian's surgeries.


Wow, what a week this has been, the only word to describe it is EXHAUSTING. As many of you know Brian went back in the hospital last Wednesday and had emergency surgery on Sunday for a blood-clot and hematoma in his left leg. There was a “wound vac” placed on his leg, which still remains. He was released last night around 2345 hours (11:45 p.m.) and we are now back home. Yipee!!!

Michele goes on to describe the treatments Brian will need in his battle with Cancer. PLease pray his kidney can withstand the cancer treatments and that his leg heals. Michele like me, found her true love a wee bit later in life and they deserve many more years to be happy together.

They are strong and have a strong family of support in their kids so all will be well. Having said that, prayer is always the first ,best thing we can do.

Those of you who may not pray, send special thoughts and join in our spirit of healing and recovery. I am dying to see them old on a porch rocking one day.

Thanks and blessings.

A study in Sloth, citing my own experience as example...

Hello

last night i also slept through the night once i got to bed.As a result we both we up before 530 am and i could get right on a few bedroom chores. i ran the hoover, dusted with my shiny new pink duster, and started a nice wee dinner for two. I just need Mr 2 to come home some time.

For a treat to me, I watched an hour of Ponderosa and then Judge Judy
which was boring until they had an earthquake whilst taping the show. It seems weird to be able to walk around, as most mornings i am chained to a dialysis chair and ts machine. I have a friend who has asked for prayer. His name is Galen and he is a nice man. Please do not forget. I will talk more about him at a later date. I just have no energy today, and a nap sounds lovely.

Also pray for my friend Mrs P, she needs a new house before she kills the neighbors...or vice versa. A lot of my friends need prayer just now. J wants a baby, A wants a wife, we all want something. I want to sleep for about a week lol.

Have a great Thursday
blessings

A Study in Mortality

People named Jim have always had a special place in my heart, in fact, I married one. Monday I saw my friend Jim, from BOW in the renal unit. He also dialyzed in my group. I almost woke him up to say I would see him Wednesday, but he looked so serene asleep in the chair I did not have the heart. We have had many talks and I knew we would have many more so I toddled off down the hall to meet my ride home.

We are a group of ten, and it would be hard to find ten more different people. I liked Jim, because like me he had done a lot of interesting jobs and had seen a fair bit of the world. We talked also about the kids, and found a mutual interest in BMX bike racing. His pride in describing his son and his accomplishments was evident.  Apparently some time Monday Jim fell at home and was transported to the hospital. We lost Jim last night. He was only 50 years old, and although dialysis is supposed to make you feel much better, Jim did not receive the hoped-for benefits. I can still see his face so puffy and his eyes nearly swelled shut. That is not how i remember him though, i will remember him telling about his "wingding" they had at his house for new years. I will remember he was kind and caring. I will remember he loved his family to bits. I will not forget him, he is carved on my heart.

Blessings to his family, sorry for the loss. Gone way too soon.

A study in Confusion

The source I use to blog from has left me a new message. I am perfectly happy with the site, and i understand how to use it. It aint broke so they fixed it with a new interface. I do not even know what that means. So again we will visit today and i hope this is not my last post,(no pun intended to my rugby friends who frequent there!).

I think I have been in denial about my health all summer. I am not getting better, I am not even maintaining the same place. The floaters are back in one eye, and when the nurses sent blood work away Monday they said it was fine. Well fine has had me in bed by 6:30 Sunday night, and fine had me up every two hours or so all last night, even though i was in bed before 9 and i slept until nine this morning.
Fine was 3 showers Sunday night and one complete bed change. Fine was a good day ruined by a bad night. JIm does not get to decide when he can rest, because when he hears me call out "Jim", he knows he has to come. Every time, over and over, world with out end.

Last night as part of our new lifestyle (diet) we spent an hour doing housework. If you do it right, it is great exercise, and it gets the old lady off your back. I think it is getting close to time for me to admit I need a kidney, and its not alright and to get on the list. To at least get on the list. To not be on it these last three years was pure denial of how serious things were. It is not a phase or a cold i will overcome. It is slow, chronic, forever, and it will eventually take me out. All my surgical fears have to be put aside. If it is meant to be, I have to get out of the way. I have to start the process rolling. I need a new interface with my renal team. Dr Patty is't gonna cut it, we need a DR who will attend, not just talk to the nurses on our behalf. I don't want to end up on the ward to get to see him. I deserve better.
Sorry about being down today. Come back tomorrow.

A Study in Burnt Butter Sauce

Today, on a whim , bored at the local Morrison fare I decided to try "something new". I bought a package of pre-made pumpkin raviolis. All i will need to do is boil them in water, and dinner will be done. Well. Now for an appropriate sauce, as tomato and basil do not scream out pumpkin to me. My delicate ravioli will disappear in that tomato trap.
So i went on Google Chrome and asked for sauce recipes. When Jim gets home, our house smells of olive oil, butter, sage spinach and mushrooms. Each light taste will compliment the pasta and blend well together. 
Then I made a salad of spinach, chard, spring onions and when slicing the spring onion (scallions to the across the ponders) I did not have the heart to throw the dark green bits away so they are also sauteing in the sauce.Yummy.
Frying sage is a unique smell, and now I understand why my native american friends burn sage. It changes the whole atmosphere of my kitchen. And while I am on the subject, one thing most UK kitchens seem to lack is a kitchen table. It was so important in my house growing up. We ate as a family at it, we did homework at it, we had "those talks" when sitting there. When your Mom works out her time is so limited, so at the very least we could sit and watch her make dinner, or whatever she was doing. My earlier chores were to set it, then i got to do the dishes off it, and eventually I got to prepare some of the food that went on it. On holidays i would clean and stuff celery with creme cheese, or butter bread, or place extra chairs around it. I remember it was round and many of my happiest home memories come from that very table.
Now at my own house we eat on our laps, and I use a tv tray because I am clumsy, but i long for a family around a table. It just seems cozy and a good discussion opener. Aww the good old days. I long for my family, all gazillion of my cousins, and their parents and kids. I wonder if we would all fit in one house together. I wonder if we will ever try.
If there is no ocean between you and your family I hope you gather together and give your kids memories. Mine do not have the wealth of cousins I had, nor do they have strong ties to Aunts and Uncles. Although I did not appreciate it at the time, both my parents come from large families and I had plenty of friends to play with at family reunions. Uncle David, Michele, Barbie, Bill Brazie and the Conley sisters Suzanne and Christine were my favoritest, (yes i did make up that word)but I have cousins I have never even met, and they had kids, and they had kids...
And from another Mother, Ellen, the girl my Mom always wished i had been and Marguerite were grafted in because I had no sisters of my own. I had a rich life full of friends. I hope they all know how much i loved them then, and cherish them now.
They are my blessings.

A study in Herbs

Jim took me a few Sundays ago to our castle. Yes we own it, because we joined the National Trust for Scotland. So from time to time we go check out our investment, and it would be fair to say we are best pleased with their efforts. They are particularly kind to the disabled, up to and including lovely scooters to zip along the trails.

Anyway, at the castle, on the grounds they have a wonderful gem you might miss because the hours require volunteers for it to be open. It is a lovely second-hand book store. It is bright and airy and chock full of books. They also happily accept donations of books. The one I fell in love with, whilst shamelessly reading it in the store on a big overstuffed sofa is called,"The Quick After-Work PASTA Cookbook",by Judy Ridgway. I recommend it to anyone, who like myself, cannot keep all those pastas sorted by name. It is a hard-cover gem I got for only £2. I never looked back. I pore over the pages and dream of some very happy meals when Jim gets home from his long drive.

The chapters are named by pasta types, for example; "long round pasta", "or tubular flat pasta", or "pasta shapes". Each chapter briefly describes how to cook the pasta, and gives a few quick sauces to accompany each shape. Many are either quick or simple or both, and have many ingredients already in my pantry. I am reading it like a romance novel, much to Jim's amusement. ON page 50 is the first one i want to try because it combines two of my favorite things, mushrooms and balsamic vinegar. Hence the name,"Sauteed Mushrooms with Balsamic Vinegar", it is recommended for long flat pasta so i am thinking fettuccine to use as a base. It uses the garlic,onion, olive oil trio common to most Italian base sauces, and it sounds like heaven to me.

Tonight we are having Conchigle (sp) which is the little shells, with a chicken sauce combo i didn't create but surely improved with some hints from the book. Hope JIm comes home hungry. I figure pasta is a good base for rugby training. 

Ok all this food talk has made me hungry, s i mixed some tuna mayo earlier (tuna salad to you Americanos) if I called food egg salad and tuna salad here they would think the "salad" meant it had lettuce and tomatoes on it, and I recorded a Cake Boss episode to feel a big more like a baker, which is my next trick. I am craving carrot cake. G0tta make my own apparently. Even bought a mix for my birthday last APril which still sits in the cupboard mocking me. Some day...I even got the coconut and raisins ready. Wish me luck!

I could be a blessing.

Two here and I more on the way...

Ok, I told you last month (or was it really only this month) about the birth of Findlay Johnson, the first of our three new Paisley Rugby Players! Well last night saw the birth of another fine happy Baby, baby Conroy. I do not know his first name yet, but i will keep you posted. I do know that Mother, Daddy and Baby are all doing well. Congrats now to both new families.
Now Kat Powrie has done this before, so she can relax and take her time a little. This is nothing new to her. And Sophie is well chuffed to be the big sister and show the baby the ropes. Sophie knows all the things a baby needs to know from when she was little. Now she goes to school so she gets out of the house for a bit each day. So once more we wait, but the basket of things we bought ahead is getting smaller, and if I had a wish it would be that one of us has a girly girl so we can buy dresses, ribbons and rumba pants!
My heart goes out to a few who never had their own kids, I wanted a baby too. I understand that deep hurt,especially when so many kids are unwanted or in the way of addictive parents. I promise you it is not to late, and i also promise you there are other blessings.
I do not lead a sad life. Mother's Day is hard, but JIm has a Father's Day with his other family, so i didn't hurt him that way. Soon as these kids learn to walk and talk i will have little ones in my life again, they just won't belong to me. I say if you want a baby, adopt or go with in-vitro, or foster kids, but don't go childless like me, and wait for a baby of "my own". I waited too long. SO I have to believe deep down inside I maybe make a better "Auntie" than a mom and I move on.
I love to hold babies though, and when i look deep in their eyes it is like they know a secret. They have an aura of awareness, even before they speak or walk. I choose to believe they just left Gods side and the glow is from his countenance, but you believe what you wish. In any case, I welcome these three babies into the world. I am eager to see where they will go and who they will become. I wonder if Scotland will become Independent or if they will grow to be UK citizens. I wonder if I will be around to see their kids, and theirs, and so on.
But for today we rejoice. Life goes on, and it is a circle. My Gram is 102, and they are newborn and there is every age in between. Such is the order of life.
God bless each of us today.

Therapy comes in all forms...

Words are how I express my emotions. Not out loud in front of people, can't do that. One on one it is hard for me because growing up we could not express anger or disgust at adults so I still have some trouble. I hid my emotions so well I don't always realize how angry I am. I expect a fight every time I say no to anything. I expect every choice I make to be second-guessed. I have a hard time choosing because every choice limits every other choice I might have and you might prefer me to have. See? I can drive you crazy. Too late for me, save yourself.

But when i write, I let it rip. I get angry even if too angry and i laugh long and hard if i find something funny. I am finally getting to see the irony in losing so much sleep over things that never happen when out of the blue two close friends have had cancer surgery and one FB friend just found out she has to deal with the C word as well. I was raised not to hate, (well not counting those color people), but if it is possible to hate a disease I hate cancer.

And so now you have to listen to what i do when i am so upset I can't sleep or write. It is an ancient practice from as long as there has been man walking around erect. I am cooking. I call it cooking because I am not trained as a chef. I cannot tell you how i like fighting to peel garlic cloves, or cube then dice red onion. Chopping the herbs after stripping them off the stems i feel kinda powerful actually. The oregano fought me, but the rosemary (don't laugh) looks like little Christmas trees to me. I halved and squeezed some lemon in and now my hands smell very refreshing. I am making something I don't think I ever made for JIm. It is a pork of loin and I am making pulled pork for dinner today and sandwiches as we are out all day tomorrow with the 10K run in Paisley.

 My job is to sit there and tell young boys and girls the fun of a life of rugby. Not only is it wonderful sport for fitness, but even in my health I have made some good life-long friends. Many people come simply to watch, and talk about the days when they played. We have an elder statesman, Douglas, who knows the history of the club from its inception. I wish he would write it all done or record it somehow, because he has a true wealth of knowledge, even of some people we have lost. If you see him, walk right up and say hello, he is someone who knows his stuff.

I dislike cooking, and having said that, I was surprised how pleased I was when Jim said the other night,"you are getting good at this!" See if you don't care about your cooking it shows. Food always has an extra ingredient you can't teach. Good food takes love and care. I am paying attention now, and my waistline shows it. For the longest time when we lived in the maisonette i tried not to come downstairs at all, and for food i wanted a half a toast dry. Now i am well I have an appetite, and i think it has me.

My agita over my gluttony has a small reprieve in Mary's meals. I want to get involved in that big time. If you don't know of it, the basic premise is to keep kids in school by giving them a mug you fill with this porridgy maize type stuff--only if they attend school. Education is the way out for many children, and even in my condition I know I want to be part of that. How I don't know, but to feed a child for an entire school year is less than £11. I easily spend that on munchies for   telly rugby games. So, i am gonna watch the FB site for Mary's meals and see what happens.

It is nice to feel human again and part of something that has nothing to do with disease, except the disease of poverty. That is therapy for me. If you have any ideas how i could raise the £11 please send me a message. Brenda

Blessings

Methadone Mania

We got a report on the news this week that methadone is not the great Heroin solution after all.It seems to simply replace the heroin addiction with a methadone one. We need to take another look at addiction then, and see if there is any reliable solution. My son started a fb entry that opened a fire storm. What makes me saddest is to learn (in a country where these guns are truly illegal) the straight faced Father of 2 says put them on an island, take some high-powered rifles, well you know the rest.

He never grew up around the guns that a part of daily life in America. I bet he has never even seen a body whose tender flesh was torn asunder by bullet holes. NO matter what the problem, guns are not the answer. Guns should not be the question either. It looks good and macho to say it, but having looked down the business end of a rifle, I promise you it is not like in the movies. I was so afraid i shat on myself. Literally. Addiction is all the horrible things we think it is, and yes we are as victimized as the addicts own family members who they con and steal from. They promise the moon and the stars, and in time you realize the heroin, alcohol, or whatever owns them.

My uncle got to a point in his life before he drank himself to death, that he needed alcohol to get alcohol. He started his day not hungry for food, but needing the poison that was killing him. My mother tried to tell me he had a disease, but that was a lie. The disease had him, and slowly, slowly, sip by sip, my Uncle disappeared.

There are a lot of reasons he ended up where he did, and I understand them. At no time would a shotgun on some addiction island have ended his pain or our pain. The story behind these addicts is this. Almost always someone still loves them. You may have t write them off and move on, but you remember who they were. You wait every time they try rehabilitation. You are happy when they get hurt and land in hospital because they can dry out. All he ever became was a dry drunk. And in time died a terribly humiliating death.

So add up all those factors and tell me you still want a gun. Life is long, and I hope your kids are fine, but you know what? All these junkies are someones kid. They were not created in a lab somewhere, nor do they deserve to be taken to an island and shot.

Sorry, they hit a nerve I guess. Blessings.

A look at Rosemary

Today I fried a couple taters from our Sunday meal in rape seed oil. I didn't turn them over, I left them on their sides. then i added two small eggs and sliced a piece of bread from the Polish Bloomer loaf we bought Sunday. As i debated mentally whether to add ham and/or cheese to my eggs I got a weird thought. I pulled some dried (on the stalks) rosemary from the stems and added them to the pan.

I fried them altogether and added catsup to my plate. A real feast of new flavor. Fresh ground pepper completed the meal and a mix of half fresh orange and half fresh water. The crunch of the tasted bread with the real butter, the crisp taste of the catsup on the taters, and i will be full now till JIm gets home.

I would be a much better cook, but I cannot ever think of simple things like this that make the flavors rearrange in a new way. I think in my life I may have eaten a million eggs in a lot of ways, but today a sprig or two of rosemary and that is enough creativity for today.

Now i can go do the million mundane things my life has become, and dream of my next use of rosemary...
blessings

Craig's birthday

Today I am meant to be in Irvine. There is a rugby tournament, and I wanted to go because the weather is nice. I am getting a bit of cabin fever. I was excited to turn on to FB today as it is my beautiful cousin Michele's   birthday and a few others. Then I saw the name, and it hit.
Today it is Craig G's birthday too, or at least it was.

I do not know how people survive this. There must be a lot of love and support in that family. I know I had to rethink all my beliefs and all I held true when he died. I recommend it every few years, to see what you truly believe for yourself.

Today(it will seem weird) I am angry at God, yup I said it, and i am sorry it is true. Michele is happy and her lovely hubby has cancer. Craig killed himself, and Hilary was deathly ill. My blog seems kinda morbid sometimes, but it is what is happening in the real world, where i have to stay. I can't hide at the rugby like JIm does. In my world 2 close friends lost feet within a month of each other. Well, they weren't careless, the feet were amputated. Wilma's house won;t sell, and Slater is not showing it(wonder if the two are connected?).They sure seemed to want the listing...

OK i am done. Sorry for the grumble. We are still looking for a site in Paisley for a tea shoppe extraordinaire...thanks for listening.
Blessings.

Michele Delarm Farmer

My cousin Michele is my hero.Her birthday is this weekend, and if you live or visit in Florida you may have met her. She is in law enforcement, and at first glance you would not think sheis in the right profession. She is a slip of a woman, but do not let that deceive you. She is a professional, trained to be your best friend or your worst nightmare.

Because of his job, Michele's Dad traveled all over with the WT Grants store. From an early age Michele had to learn to make new friends in some very different places. Eventually Grants folded and they came to settle in our home town of Camden,NY.  It was hard for her because she was not like the locals, by this time I can't even tell you how many times she had moved. I think what got her through was a knowing she would not end up in Camden, and when she was old enough, off she went.

Michele gave me the courage when it was my turn to fly. I was no hero, I was 45, but at last I knew it was right to go for my dream, as no one was gonna get it for me. Michele gives and gives, but she doesn't ask for anything. Everything she has, and she has done very well, she got by herself. She had no strong female role models, but refused to accept the terms the other women in her family had. She made her own way in life until, like me, later in life she found the man she always should have known.

His name is Brian.He loves her and she loves him. They both came with children, but even that family blends well. They work hard and they play hard, and they have each others back. I do not know what to wish  for Michele for her birthday, as she is pretty self-sufficient, but there is one thing she cannot do fro herself. Brian had surgery this week for some type of cancer. Now Michele is already a survivor, but i know she will be scared. I also know for Brian's sake she will be a good soldier. They deserve a million years together so I am asking all of you for prayers for this lovely wee family. I am asking for healing, totally for Brian as well.

If you knew me in real life and not just my blog, you would know i have a bajillion cousins. Come on family, this is the time to rally, and we have beaten cancer before in many of our cousins so far. I would not ask, but I know some things only prayer will help. I trust God and I trust you. I have no fear at all, perfect love casts it out I hear.

I love Michele and I hope this is the beginning of many more happy years with her husband and best friend. Happy Birthday Michele, you must be very strong for all God lets you do.
Blessings tonight to my family.

Did you ever regret telling people something?

Last month I told you all about JIm and I going to Doolallys for a cream tea. I mentioned this at the Rugby club to have a friend tell me she is opening a tea type cafe as well. Since then itis like I came back to life. I am cooking again , and bought a pasta cookbook at Culzean Castle second-hand books. I joined two baking sites on FB and although i am a cook only (if that), I am considering learning to make bread.

Remember i asked you all to pray for my friend Hilary? Well she is more than well now, and if I leave her be for a minute, she is about to see her tea shop come into fruition. I will keep you posted as to the opening and when it will be. I recommend her chutneys and jellies as Christmas or birthday gifts, and you could gift someone baking classes that her and her Seve will offer,(blatant hint,Jim!).

SO now i have to settle down and let her and Seve get to it. We still need bone china cups and saucers and something called a welsh sideboard i think. SO i am off again this weekend hunting for the same. Please feel free to contact me if you know of any places selling these things. IN the meantime, back to dialysis tomorrow, and life goes on.

Blessings.

hootchie mama

OK first of all the title is a bit deceptive. This is not a blog about hootchies. In an attempt to be a bit more creative, (kitchen you naughty people) I made a particularly aggressive marinade for pork tonight. I zested a lime and added the juice and put in some sweet chili dip. There are other ingredients but i will not be able to taste them as i burnt the tongue so bad I cried out, yup, you guessed it,"hoochie mama".

Jim will love these when i grill them. We are also having rice and lentils. By the time he gets to the rugby training tonight his stomach will be on fire, but he will be smiling. My food is good, but my spices are pedestrian. No adventure at all, for example a korma can be too spicy to me, so there you go. The point is, JIm will love these, and he will love me. I even made a fruity jello for dessert to cool his lips.

I is a good wife. I really try. I know there are so many areas Jim has to compromise because of my illness, but today I got out the box grater and went to town. I even found a recipe because sometimes my best laid plans are pretty out there.

I never thought I would say this, but I miss the zucchini i took for granted in America. It is here, but it is called courgettes, and you never know when it was picked. I miss eggplant and the lasagna my Dad made with it instead of pasta. I think my Dad would love the shepherds pie I learnt to make here, as he dearly loved anything of vegetables. I miss my Dad. He could be a real pisser, but when he grinned it is like the whole world shone for a minute. He could grow corn and asparagus like no ones business. He taught me to fry squash blossoms. He taught me. He wasn't the most patient man, but if you were quiet he would come out with some real gems, and on a rare good day, you could here him humming as he looked through the farmer's almanac or his burpee catalog. You would think it was his Christmas list he smiled so big when they arrived in the mail.

Jean Spivey just posted a great pic of her Dad for his birthday, and it made me miss mine too. My Dad wasted a lot of time we could have shared, but the last few months of his life he made up for it in spades. Although he never once ever hinted at it, I have come to know he loved me. I find i don't say it to my step-kids either, and i love them desperately, but I don't want to creep them out. Or worse yet to see on their faces they like me as their Dad's wife, but... 

So I waste time, time I do not know I have, and one day I may regret never telling them. Everyone else knows how I feel, and I am wrong not to tell them. Don't be like me. Don't be like my Dad. Don't be stupid. Just say it. They will tuck it away in a small pocket in their hamster-like brains, but it will be there.

Bless you. Thanks for listening. Dinner is at 6.

Lord Morris

Today I learned of the death of a man I needed to thank as I owed him a large debt. I do not know much about him, but he was a Labour party MP, and Harold Wilson made him the first Minister of the Handicapped so to speak. Because of Lord Morris' work, most public buildings are disabled access and many ramps, both in public and private were ordered supplied by the councils. He even affected building plans for public housing, whether the units are specifically designated for the disabled or not.

His fervor for the cause was fueled by his own Father, who having returned missing a leg and an eye from military service was not properly supported. He saw the lack of caring the government showed to men trying to adjust to civilian life. I do not regard many politicians, and rarely use blog space to hail one, but this is a man I would have liked to have met. What a legacy he has. I for one, benefit every day from his efforts, and when Murette is ready to leave hospital they will make her home safe for her as she adjusts to one leg. I am thankful. I hope soldiers returning today are treated better than the soldiers of old.

So have a kind thought for the Morris family. They lost a British hero today.
Blessings

Amazing place

I met a friend Bonnie through an internet chat room, and initially we seemed very simpatico in our ideas and beliefs. Slowly as i began to know her, I told her things I don't share with most people, because we had seemingly mutual spiritual values and she seemed a nice, simple Christian lady. And so she is.
So I friended her on my Face Book account. Things went along pretty well, and then the presidential electioneering began. What a strange lot politics brings up. Plus being American there is the gun issue never far from the surface. She resorted to basically calling me unconstitutional, and pretty much to me that means Unamerican in the ugliest way. The only thing that separates us from most of the tyrannized world to me is our beautiful constitution. That document has survived wars and rumors of wars, foreign and domestic.
Now i feel she has gone mad in an attempt to affect my political views. There are always at least 20 messages of political bantering each time I sign on.
I even tried to block her but something went wrong.She says she us pro-life but believes she needs a gun to enforce that right. She neither belongs to or supports a militia, as the second amendment precludes. I doubt she has read the constitution, but the wackos all know amendment Two, as if it is Divinely Appointed. Bonnie please unfriend me as I do not know how to block you successfully. 
I know America needs Obama as opposed to Mutt6 Rmoney.(sic).I know America needs free thinkers again, and when did thinking and non-violent protest become anarchy and treasonous? This is not the America my Daddy believed in. Nor do I. We do not need foreign wanna-bees giving us the advice we should already know. Look honestly at the NHS, the British gun control, and their higher math and science skills all over the world.  We do not need to worry about being number one. For our kids sake we need to catch up. We need to listen and we need to learn. America is not hated around the world as it supposes, it does enough hating to itself.
Blessings.

A grain of rice

Well in my never ending adventure to know every aspect of parts of my body I didn't want to know I had...today Nurse Carol adjusted medicine I am taking for my Para-thyroids. NO smarty pants, those are not mini hemorrhoids. My thyroid gland hides 4 mini glands the size of a grain of rice. Small as they are, they seem to do a lot when they work, unlike mine, and affect my bone density,depression, etc. among other things. Either i am taking the wrong thing or the wrong amount, so Carol has discussed this with Dr Paddy on my behalf. Apparently even though he is assigned to the renal unit, he does not have time to actually "talk" to the patients he works for.

Now we have two people in our renal "club" who have had amputations this month. SO I know the doctors are very busy, but between a surgery in Linwood stuck in the dark ages, and an uncaring physicians staff in the hospital renal unit, I am beginning to feel like a bit of a bother. What I am not feeling is as good as I should with all the toxins being removed by a machine. What I am not feeling is enough energy to hoover and do dishes the same day. I felt better when i was refusing all pills whatsoever. I am dizzy again, and my balance had been improving.

OK here is the real thing. They shuffled drivers again. There is nothing wrong with our new driver. He is a nice man. I miss David our previous driver. He talked rugby non-stop, and about his kids and a million interesting things. He even liked Maurette. Now suddenly one morning he is gone. No explanations, no nothing. He is simply gone. Again we are part of a vast system and no one thinks we have any feelings. I do not care how i get to the hospital, honestly. But just to know he quit, or was fired or had a brain tumor or something. He disappeared like a bad magicians bunny. As did Phil and Pete, and in the 2 years I have dialyzed i have had many drivers.

Yup I am a bit angry. They talk about me being a member of my chronic care team, but in fact i am a number(literally i have a number on the system), and they don't have time to care. SO on it goes, and I am kept alive by chemicals and machines. I am literally becoming a $6 million dollar girl. Now can I have my life back?

Blessings.

Polish Deli

We were driving around on a rainy Sunday afternoon in Glasgow this week, looking for some signs of the construction begun for the 2014 Commonwealth Games. We must have passed about a hundred shops then one just reached out and called me. In my life in Camden, I had friends with rich,varied heritages. Marguerite was Italian-American, and Roberta was Polish-American. Let me tell you, Polish people know how to eat. I like Italian food don't get me wrong, but Kielbasa is a slice of heaven to me.
There were real dill pickles and many types of pretzels. I thought i found chocolate covered pretzels, but it turned out they were only cookies in a pretzel shape, so my heart broke. We even bought cookies called Al Capone. Imagine. A custardy creme type cookie with three layers. Needless to say, they are gone.
My new discovery was Lipton iced tea in a soda type bottle but it was green tea and it was spectacular. I am going back where I will get the shop name and address, but i already promised Jean when she visits we will go.
Jean had a wood stove and when her girls were little she was married to my cousin Bill. They had one wood stove recipe i loved (and would eat it over and over).and Jean made a kielbasa stew type thing with sauerkraut, cheese and beer, and cabbage as I recall. I miss those days, we have all moved since then. I do not miss Fred, but i miss everything else about those days.
Blessings. Love you Jeanie Beanie.

DUSTING OFF OLD FRIENDS...

Today I got a chance through Facebook to speak to a friend that I met in Camden.He will probably end up one of the 5 most influential people i ever met. Thankfully, he was a force for good, unlike some others on the same list. We chatted a bit about the old days, but what is exciting in both our lives is what God is doing now. God is always in the now. He is also in the future, but he concentrates on where we are, knowing we can't be in the future with him.
I got to share briefly what my ministry is now, and I got to tell him why my blog means so much to me. I do not think you realize how much of myself i put out there in an attempt to be open and honest about my faith walk. See, i fall down a lot in my spirit as well as on my legs. Even my mood dips at times and Jim has to remind me of what I say on the mountain tops, because the valley days can shake me.
I find it more than a little ironic that JIm is the person who draws me back to my truest self, being he is not a believer himself. He is my best friend and he really cares about me. I am blessed, and if he were not my spouse he would surely be my good friend. Kinda like Jennifer and Andy, two friends who i can say anything to. They just love me, and i rely on that. They may at times need to kick my butt, but they won't let you do it. Jennifer is the sister i never had. Andy is the brother i never wanted. Lol jk.
I am not a mushy person, and i rarely hug Jim. So i use my words to convey what i cannot say to your face, and the sad thing is, it is all good, mostly, I am just a coward. Pray for my friends all of them, they are a great bunch. Lift them up as we all get tired some days.
OK enough for today,tomorrow i will chat about the great Polish Deli/Market we found in Glasgow on a car ride Sunday. Woo hoo, cannae wait.
Blessings.

OK now He is the bain of my existence...

JIm the wonder husband is getting kind of full of himself today. I do not think he can see things from anyone elses perspective. He has been having late nights and restless sleep. So today we are on a diet, both fiscal and dietary. He gets a free lunch menu for choices every day at work, and judging by his success rate, the chips are winning. I have every day day pretty much the same. Either chores all day or MWF I get the break adventure to dialyze then come home to chores. Woo Hoo. Couple that with the obligatory tuna salad on crackers, well...i am sure you are salivating.
It is not just that I am dying to eat out,(nice), but I need some variety. My tummy has now got cabin fever. It needs something besides a half bagel or some eggs. In the real world there are blueberry muffins, or dare I say it WAFFLES! In america we make special griddles we love waffles so much. We love pancakes with whatever fruit is ripe just then. We love apple brown betty, we love fruit cobbler. We love any number of breakfast meats and treats. We love nuts in our pancakes as well.We love greens with our bacon. We love breakfast, and not just for a reward for going to church.
If one were to say one was dieting one also likes fruit salad and muffins, porridge, or poached or coddled eggs with rice cakes. One can adjust, and one must re-look at how one thinks about food. It is not just fuel. It feeds the soul, it enriched the heart, it is the way to one's stomach, indeed.
So if anyone wants to go to breakfast,up to and including a donut at greggs, I am available. I can teach you how to start your day. I know how to break fasts. Why trust your tummy to an amateur? Sliding feee consultancy fees available.
By the way, Jim , what's for tea?
Blessings

perspectives

this morning I was putting some laundry on hangers and folding it, and I observed Molly out of the corner of my eye. She was perched on the windowsill, staring at the birdies from her eight story flat bedroom window. I chuckled to myself, as the window looked like one of those wall aquariums, only with gulls instead of pirahanas. She is as captivated as all get out, and when she jumps so far, i think she is attempting to fly. From her perspective, she is not a bird, nor is she exactly human, so I think with no other cats in her life, she may have some identity crisis. She is defo a teenage female however, as she shouts and bawls when things are not going her way. Sometimes we laugh, and sometimes we shout back.
At those times she gets the oddest expression, like, I depend on you two to be the adults, we can't all scream. That cracks me up more than almost anything else she does.
I know i am not a real Mom. I spoil Molly awful, yes that's true. But the sheer entertainment and pleasure makes her worth her weight in gold. I love her to bits, and the fella who bought her for me.
Blessings.

TGIF-wwwtatabellas.co.uk

In order to sleep through the night last night I took some Nytol. It is an herbal remedy so now side effects from all the drugs I take just now. The difference is I am feeling like someone poured thick porridge into both ears and it is congealing in my head.


I meant to write this blog yesterday, but I spent a wee bit too much time in my bed or sleeping on the new sofa. SO here it is, please check out this new website,wwwtatabellas.co.uk. This site is especially exciting if you live near Paisley, and it is nice to see a dream start to form and take shape. The Smith family are looking for a site just now that will help their dream come to fruition. It is sorta like a bride who knows every bit of her wedding, she is just waiting to find the groom to meet her at the end of the aisle.
Seve, Hilary, Rory and Zoe are starting on a brave adventure together. That is nothing new, the past two years have been one adventure after another, and they are one of the strongest families I know. Seve right now is looking for sponsors for a fun run to raise cash for Yorkhill hospital. Yorkhill is a children's hospital outside Glasgow. Needless to say, I admire them very much, and I intend to add my fiver to everyone else's.
In addition to a site fro their business, Hilary and Seve are looking for bone china cups, saucers and plates. SO this weekend I am off to some thrift shops to see what I can see. I am so excited to have something "nice" to look forward to. There will also be homemade breads, jams and chutneys and the like. IN addition, down the road they will offer classes in bread making and jam making. I miss Kinko's in Johnstone, this could easily be my new loose leaf tea cafe. Good luck one and all. Hope there is carrot cake. Hope to see ya there. I am available for all taste testing needed.
Blessings.

Happy 55th birthday love of my life.

Officially you went back to work yesterday, but the weekend caught up to me and I didn't try to blog. Today is bright and sunny, my chores for the morning are done, I am dressed and ready to kick out a blog.


The last 2 weeks we have not been home for hardly a minute. I did not nag about the house much, i just enjoyed having Mr Hunk around the house. We must have put at least 500 miles on the car this summer so far, beginning with the trip from my family up to and including Jims 2 week holiday. We have sailed off in the car in every direction, sometimes to specific places like Culzean Castle or Glencoe, and sometimes wherever the sat nav and car took us. We found some great little cafes like Doolally in Ayr, and we wrecked the budget a bit because Jim didn't know i was planning a surprise party. We will be ok, God always provides, but for the first time if we are out and I want something to eat I get it. My family made me shy to ask for food, even when hungry. I no longer suffer from food eating disorders. I eat when hungry and if ice cream is involved sometimes when not hungry too.
The only sad part of the weekend is i wish Andy could have come, but we are so proud of his referee training, and that will last longer than a party we redo every 5 years. It goes without saying Craig was mentioned too, but that cannot be helped.


So anyway, the reason i don;t lie is that I am not good at it, even a lie to make a party,then I forgot what i told to whom. Somehow because I made the party so much after his real birthday, he suspected nothing. First of all, the boys got Dad out of the way, the girls helped me with the balloons, and June Moore Kir did all the work with her wonderful bar team of David and Heather.
The next day was Malcolm Dodd's 60th party, and we all looked like we had slept over. I don't know what Malkie's family thought, but we looked pretty rough day 2. The highlight of that party was the all the kids, especially new baby Findlay. One born, two to go. Mr Powrie and Mr Conroy will complete our rugby 2020 team. Well done JInky to start us off.
A good time was had by all this weekend, and the bar takings weren't bad either. Again a debt owed to June,Heather and David. Thank you.
If you had arrived here in 2002 looking for friends, landing at the PRFC and meeting the Dodd's was sufficient. Thanks one and all, I am not mushy by nature, but i love you. You helped me make JIM feel special.
Blessings.

the day before the Big Day

If I can make myself dialyze today and come home and rest, I should be in great shape for the weekend of parties at the PRFC. Of course that will depend on if JIm uses the whole time I am gone on the computer again. It is his last non-weekend day of his holiday, and it remains to be seen if he gets to this Transport Museum he has been saying he wants to see.


Yesterday we went to a garden called Greenbank. The sun cooperated, and then we got some groceries. That was me, as walking down 2 flights of stairs when the lifts broke (again) at Western Infirmary Wednesday wrecked my legs.Imagine poor Jim trying to push a wheelchair through a moor and you get a rough idea. Then we get to our favorite statue there and some idiot put a cigarette in her hand. People.


I got my prescriptions sorted with the local surgery. I could tell you the story, but you would never believe it. JIm wandered all over hell's half acre yesterday, actually doing the leg work, and I think he understands why I want nothing to do with my local surgery. That is a story for another day as they say.
So off to hospital I go. You have a good morning too.
Blessings.

Its a new day

Well, I have a minute before hospital to talk today. Most of you will be shocked to see 2 days in a row. I am as well. I learned something this week. ALl my worrying about others had made it easier to ignore my own health. Yesterday i got a haircut, and felt so good after that I went to the chiropodist as well. I was so afraid since i got my foot cut, that i let my nails grow long enough to step on them. For £21 pounds i got feet that feel like dancing. I was silly, even though yes I have a bandage on a toenail that bled. What do you expect when your toenails are longer than your foot?
Also, Lorna, who practices on Causeyside street, has her appointments made by the Paisley Natural Health Centre. The entire group encompasses many therapies and many therapists. I recommend a massage if you love yourself. Many times we can't properly take care of others because we are hurting ourselves. I used to be amazed by the acupuncture techniques, and the aroma therapies.
Carol, the owner/director is also a published author. They could possibly get you a signed copy of her book at the centre. And speaking of authors, we got a new Betty McKellar book when we were at Muirsheils Ciuntry Park, and strangely enough it is called MUIRSHEIL. Betty is a poet, and she rights in Scots, so she used to make a glossary for me in writers group as I knew none of the words. The day was long but we had a lot of fun, and got a lot done. I am enjoying Jim being off work.
Blessings.

Update to Murettes foot...

Well, I went to dialysis yesterday and Sister Jenn (the head nurse here is called a sister, American friends) said after her shift she went over to see Murette. It was late Friday and Murette had had her operation that day. She said Murette seemed to be in good spirits and doing well, so I thank you all for your prayers on her behalf. I have been really struggling with my faith, as so many asked me why God doesnt just heal my kidney, and why Tom and Murette both lost legs this month.
I believe God is a God of miracles and healing. I also believe God is not Santa Claus. He knows what is best and I must trust him, even though in my own person i see me declining in so many ways.
We are not puppets, but we do have to take a lot on by faith. If at the end of my life I am just dead, well I am still glad I strove to these standards. If the Bible was right though, all this pain and distress will have an eternal point. Some will laugh and say i am naive, and I accept that. I want to be naive like Jesus was, and to try to do as much good as I can whilst i can.
Even if this turns out to be a mental exercise and false, I am still glad my values are not those of my fellow Americans who claim to know and love God, but are armed to the teeth. Does the world feel safer knowing Israel has atomic weapons? SO much for being Gods people. The people in Hamas and Hezbollah are no more terrorists than the traditional leaders of Israel were and are. We lull ourselves into believing we can identify the bad guys, but no one wears black hats much anymore. The enemy is indeed ourselves.
So much for beating our swords into plowshares. Religion is making for a scary world. If more people tried to act like Jesus, instead of trying to turn people away from Islam, atheism, or apathy, I think Jesus would shine.I am convinced that no one that ever came to really know Jesus was disappointed. But that is the opinion of a housewife from NY. Can't get you coffee. Blessings.

Foxbarr

I used to grumble so about waiting for the hospital transport after picking up the patient there. Now I wonder when or if we shall go there again. I used to grumble so about Murettes' temper and selfishness, now i would give anything for a good old fashioned row with her. The news is so much worse than I feared. Tom and Maurette both are to lose their legs. FACT. The ones who are must bright in our little dialysis group? Yup, Tom and Murette, and it is helping the  rest of us cope. I am slowly climbing out of this deep black hole because if they can cope, who the hell am I not to, or to refuse to?
 The last blog i wrote I thought Murette might die on route to hospital, and she hasn't left the hospital since. Today she was given a one day home pass to catch up on bills and mail and such. She also has two cats that will go wild if they don't see her soon. She has a bit of family, and she is loved. I have been keeping her in cigarettes, which i believe to my toes is wrong, but when you are so ill, that is not the time to try to quit. Besides, she doesn't want to. SO I fetch for her.What can I do? I love her.
Poor Jim must be nuts by now,as i spent the most time griping about her and vice versa, and now it seems we are best friends. Well, we aren't and if she gets out, after a time she will remember how mean I am, I am sure. When you offer unconditional love, you have to accept them warts and all. Like JIm does me. Smile.
Lately I have come to see JIm doesn't think I love him without conditions. He sees me claim to be a Christian, but make terrible costly mistakes with those I love most. In my disease, I have quit going to church altogether. I have quit talking to God. I have lived like a quitter. I don't have enough energy to do anything, and yet i can't sleep with out pills. I am better than this, but even nature is dark and gray now. I am in a personal drought, and I have to move quickly, because the downward slide is greased. I am going to a ladies night out, and the next day is a BBQ for a 60th birthday. Having something to look forward to really helps.
I know if I called any of the PRFC ladies, we could smack me back into shape, but everyone's life is so happy just now. I went to a leaving-do for my new good friend Heather's daughter (isn't  heather a lovely name? If you had ever seen it , it is tough as nails and so beautiful). That night really helped a bit, then i started another fight with JIm about his weight, or his smoking or both. NO wonder he thinks I don't care. The truth is, I am afraid he will leave me alone. Not by choice, but by health.
OK I am all over the place in this blog, but I have bottled up the words so long they are fighting to get out of me.
I want my life back now. I am ready. I am needed.Thanks for visiting.

sorry gang

I have not been posting for awhile and it would have done me good. Yes the warm weather triggered a bout of  depression. This one was bad, because with Tom and Maurette so bad, I should focus on them, but i take anger inside of me. I thought Maurette was going to die yesterday on the way to the hospital. She just could not walk or breath. They kept her in hospital, but they are treating her like a yoyo. She needs mostly to eat i think. She is taller than me and weighs about 40 kilos.
So please pray for her and for Tom, and we shall see. I will try to be here more regularly.Bye for now.

Hip, Hip, Hooray!!

My genius husband figured ut what i was doing wrong, and so now we can visit again.

First of all. my second cousin Michele hit a deer today with her new car. Hope all is well, eventually.

Now on to Colorado. I do not know how many fireman are fighting those fires just now, but i pray for each and every man and woman of them. They have spouses and kids and other family members home waiting for word they are safe. Some can't help their family evacuate because they must fight the fire. SOme have lost their homes, jobs and everything they ever owned. People are missing, pets are missing, the flames are high and all they can do is continue to fight. God bless everyone in any way involved in that mess.

Today may go down in history as the day every American citizen can have and will have health care of some sort.Insurance companies are damned scared as their stranglehold over 300 million or so people hangs in the balance. They of course already have the best health care in the world and we pay for it.

My God itis good to have a place t vent again.God bless my president, long may he reign.

it hurts, but its true

After i vented about pimply the other  day what does she do? She hands me a whole bag of Go Cat for Molly. It is for indoor cats and her cats hated it. So, i do feel a bit guilty, and i will tell you a funny story.


The other morning i saw her cat running across the road. He often tries to get in or out of the house as Murette is leaving, but this was different. Next i saw a nice young lady walking two Westies i believe. The cat knew they had a limited lead, and sat there free as a jaybird tormenting them. Cats is evil, but you gotta love them.
The neighbors across the street had ,lovely vines growing n their house over two floors where many birds nested and sang, preparing for the new eggs. Yup you guessed it, they tore it all down, which is their right, but sadly for several mornings i watched the birds return hunting for their spot. In comic justice the house looks cruddy now, and just like all the others. Oh i guess we don't know what we have until it is gone.
Blessings.

Syria,the non-Oil based disaster

I sure wish that I was wrong, and i sure wish  America truly did police the world. I wish all the UN nations were truly interested in the welfare of all the earth's citizens. Meanwhile, back in the real world, there is Syria.It's own government is waging war on its people. War. Genocide. With impunity.
IN the days of old, we would not even hear of such things. Their was no mass media poking into every news story looking for ratings and/or to sell their version of the truth. But in this internet age, we cannot pretend not to know, as the bodies cry out to God for revenge. Their homes are burned, their cattle and pets slaughtered, and they are killed like these aforementioned animals. Yes women, yes children, yes old and infirmed. Mowed down, without the recognition of their brotherhood as a nation, or their basic freedoms as men.
Will Russia or China help, well if you call selling Assad more weapons helping then they are quite involved.
i am not saying which or either side is right. I really do not know ideologically, but ideas are not being killed here. Often I hear Americans say,"we need to go to Washington and take our nation back",and I wonder if someone somewhere in Syria said the same thing. Their is a price for freedom, yes, but this is human butchery with no possible redeeming value. We in the west will abhor it, but we will turn our heads and sleep tonight.
But God is watching.

Pimply Murette strikes again...

I always got by knowing that although we bicker, we basically care for one another in our ride to the hospital for dialysis. Wrong and epic fail. I have finally found a woman who absolutely cares only for herself. I didn't think it was possible.
When our polite long-suffering driver finally had to speak to pimply for never being near ready when he appears to fetch her, mind you Wrathy and I are always at the curb,her reply was that she didn't ask them to wait outside. This is especially heinous because the last pick-up is an elderly woman with many aches and pains that so far the doctors can't fix.
This woman also finds we all have time to wait around whilst she must have a cigarette. She got really cross when the driver(who has small kids f his own,and transports other sick patients) asked her not to smoke seated in his car. Now she does not technically smoke in the car, she swings her legs out and sits on the edge of the seat, but Cathy who must wait for the driver to find a chair to transport her upstairs, sits in the smoke and does not complain.
This woman abuses all the kindnesses of free transport and the other passengers. The driver has a run finished before he does our 7 am run to the hospital, then in the afternoon makes a run to campbelltown for another dialysis patient.

£3,000.

The PRFC needs to raise this amount to match funding from another source. Saturday we had a fun day. We also had a lot of fun.Some were not able to be there because of holidays or a hospital stay, but the weather and the staff cooperated so that our guests could have fun, and see a bit of what we are about.
We are a family.We bicker hard and we play hard, but we unite when one of us is in bother or need. I pick on Percy's pink shirts, and Gary's pierced nipples, but i treasure their friendship loyalty to my Jim.
Many of the boys on Jims team when he was a coach are men now with families started of their own. I hope to be around when their kids play fro Paisley. Just now the Powrie's and Conroy's are making new stars for the future, and Alfie and Grace and Sophie will show them the ropes when the times come, and the circle moves on.
We lost Tom and Craig, but that is part of the circle of life too. Hillary and I were able to fight back and go on, and that's part of the cycle too.
Itis a lot of money in a way, but if it makes the club strong nough for our kids to enjoy it as we have, so be it.

Blessings

Distractions

Hello fellow earth travelers. I do not have much time just now, whilst we had company from America I let some chores slip, and now i must pay the piper. So just a quick note for now, so you know all is well.


I put on some weight during my holiday, and i feel winded and low energy so my best form of safe aerobics is housework. I am soon at it. Just to say my cousins wife Tammy Brazie is looking for her daughter, so please pray. We all can do that.


Also, the PRFC is having a family day on Saturday June 9,2012, and all are welcome. Previously i had said there was a slave auction, but that is rescheduled for another time. (updates to follow).


Lastly I just want to thank Jim for his kindness to my family during their visit. We tithed at the Murrayfield store. Wait till you see all we got. Speaking of sports, please pray that the current football internationals will be free from spectator violence and racism. It really takes away from the game, and innocent people get hurt as well as the brawlers.


Blessings

the visit is over now back to work

Those of you who know me outside of my blog know i have had visitors this week for the Jubilee Queens weekend,so I have not yet had a chance to share my outsiders view to the monarchy. My queen left this morning for Philadelphia then Syracuse, and my youngest left for Greece. I am sitting here alone, JIm at the rugby club, and the cat and I tiptoeing around enjoying the pieces of quiet.


I know you think it should be peace and quiet, but there are pieces of my life all over the floor and waste bin now. I learnt quite a lot abut myself that every one thought was self-evident, but i truly didn't realize. Maybe because of my advanced age i am ready to face some home truths, or maybe people needed to show themselves to me so I could see the truth.


I do not have a way to look objectively at my past. The people who raised me did not like each other the way they should. They did not like me the way they should either. They both came from some odd circumstances, so it is too late now to point fingers, we can't go back and start over, and one of them is long dead.


All i know is God was good to me. I married someone who could love me unconditionally. He proves it when he loves my family, as they joke about things to avoid showing true emotions. Jim is the first person in my life to give me choices and with that let me understand consequences. Also, Mom and Bill got a chance to see me for the first time with my sons. The boys made us well proud. They were raised well. NO credit to me, they were 10 and 16 when we met. They also take good care of me, and I would never come to harm when they are near. I felt sorry for them because Mom and Bill don't have that relationship with their kids. I am blessed.


Pray for Micheles' family as they suffered a death this week. Pray for Barbie and Ciara. Pray for Sue and Dwayne. Pray for the elections. It doesn't matter f you know all these people, God knows. Thanks i will try to write more tomorrow


Blessings.

I have been distracted...

I have not blogged in a week, as I have been preparing for my brother and Mom to visit from NY. I am not gonna lie to you, the stress also caused a meltdown in my own personality unique to a kidney patient under stress. Then the drugs to counteract that lead to problems of the opposite nature,(let's be adults) that made me feel like i was walking around with a cork inside me. So with all of that and a house to clean top to bottom (no pun intended), I let my writing go.


With my Dad now gone, there is now just the three of us to remember all the years at 23 Preston St, Camden , NY. This is the first time the three of us have been together in over ten years. JIm has never been with all three of us at once before. We have told stories, sang and ate our way across renfrewshire so far. After along tiring flight we kinda laid low yesterday, but today I intend to show them my Scotland. My adopted country has so much to offer that i hardly know which direction to head first. Had there been time, i definitely would have shown the Skye, the place i want my ashes scattered. I want one day to become part of that landscape that was so beautiful and healing for me.


I could (if time permitted) show them the Paisley Abbey and spend a day there. Same with the Burrell Collection. If this was not the Jubilee weekend, I could take them to the Paisley Rugby Football Club and show them where we spend so much of our free time, (alas this weekend it is closed). I would show them the Weaver's Cottage, a place that shows the home life of a weaver, and the garden where he grew the plants to dye his wool,etc, incredible place.


See my dilemma, so many places, and they are only here till Tuesday am. SO it is more about what to leave out than what to show them, or who. One thing is for sure, I am 100% American as our my guests, but after ten years here with JIm, I am proud of my adopted homeland, its people and its ways. Scotland is about its people, no two alike, yet united in a love of country and family and life. There is an energy unique to itself, from the islands, highlands and lowlands. I hope i don't tire, as I am gonna pack their days with memories so that when i write, they will still smell the heather and broom growing free. I will teach them Glasgow rhymes with go and not cow, and show them lambs and heiland coo.


If you see us in our travels, please walk right up and say hello. We come from a nation of story-tellers,and we would love to hear yours.


Blessings.

Happy Days

Well the couch is all paid for(cash money_)and so Tuesday Harveys promised to come and put it together. woo hoo. We are broke, but not broken and JIm also got me a new TV stand as mine was horribly scratched and old. The sound you here in the background is Jim talking out the directions as the shelf came disassembled. What a manly man, I do not even know the names of all his tools. (Andy Fairley if you say little jimmer i will slug ya , lol)

I am so happy! Later June may open the club as well. Life is good. May even see Jennifer and Scott later. Happy Days.
blessings.
watch when jims inlaws come next week, we will have snow, lol.
no the weather was prepaid for her majesty's 60th party. My queen and the queen in UK at the same time. Wonders never cease.
xoxoxoxo