Moffat v Paisley RFC

Ok--
For most of the games this season, I have not felt well enough to attend, or it was too cold for me.Today Jim helped me with the chores, bought me a jewelry box and so it was only good manners to go to the game with him. Of course that meant going alone, but being where he could see me. On Jim's blog when he says rugby is all there is, he isn't joshing. He can so block into he game in his mind, I cease to exist. He takes every yellow card personally for either side, and makes no apologies for being team manager. He has forgotten more than I will ever know about the game. And why he wants me there i will never know. But as I said, he wants me there so i willingly went. I am so glad i did. Jennifer and Lisa and another person sitting with us were so much fun. Jennifer has shown me a side of Scott i didn't know was there, and although I already considered him a friend as a member of the club, I really like him now. 
Gary was man of the match, and when i took a weak spell he was right there to help Jim get me in the car. Peggy has had a few bad days as well, and she worked today anyway and not at a slow pace. Needless to say the crowd was immense and we ran out of Pringles, but not out of luck. Poor Moffat, they didn't know how much we needed this game to come back after McLaren, and we were magnificenter than usual. (I know i made that word up.)
The touch judge was his usual good natured self, and the pregame jokes he told were a blast. I prefer him as a ref but he is an all-rounder.
Kevin is soon off to NY and today was Joel D's last game before moving. I met a young lad called Malkie (not Mr Dodd) who i think is a riot. Speaking of Dodd's one who played today may regret it tomorrow, but by God he is a magnificent player to watch. It is exciting to see someone who loves the game, and knows the game. There was one coach who is only there to scream, and you may not believe this, but some people resent that. Rumor has it we won't have him around much longer and that's too bad cause he was a hard worker. 
Ok so we won all the games. The first was an odd one cause it was Paisley v Paisley, so you didn't know who to root for, and the under18's won but at the price of constant abuse form the coach,  (in
my humble opinion), although many think that is just his way.
The best part of my day was spending a few moments with Mr Wilson who is a perfect gentleman and a devotee of the game. We talk of many things though, and he never bores me for a second. Pure quality man, lol.
So thus ends my day in the sun. We left the house at 11 am and i got Jim home for 7, then he went right back, and so here i sit another Saturday night alone. In his desire to be with his buddies, he forgets his biggest fan is sitting right here. I miss the long talks on the phone and computer before i moved here, and i miss that man. That man couldn't get enough of time alone with me. I think since i have become unwell, coming home is always to a list of things I can't do for myself. He can't just come home and hit the computer, and chill. He is a good man, but maybe my constant needing care is getting old. Or maybe i am just being paranoid. I just know this will be my last night home alone for awhile. He may regret going back when he remembers he said he would take me to church tomorrow for 10:30 am. We shall see.
My mighty men of Paisley made me proud today, especially the 2nd 15, as they gave up some tries because they remembered the other team was under 18 and should not be crushed like one would an adult. In the warm sun shine everyone seemed to be doing there best to get old winter cobwebs out. It was just a great couple of games and  a sunny beautiful day.
There is some talk about a trip to Blackpool or somewhere pre-season. Sounds like fun--hope they can all go.
God bless. Good day.

Last day before May Day

Ok--
A million years ago when I lived in America, May Day was a special day at our church. There were baskets of posies given to take home and replant or if your friend didn't have a green thumb, maybe a basket of muffins and a pretty flowery mug. The point was it was officially recognizing Spring had arrived.
Now of course I also know if you are a pilot, May Day has another meaning, but that is not the context I am writing in today. Last Saturday a real gentleman friend sent roses home for me with my hubby. Call me sentimental, but a girl loves flowers from a gentleman.
Yes I know you may love your wife, but an occasional wildflower bouquet will melt her heart in a way every woman needs to be melted. I know men are logical and it won't make sense to you, but women are more emotion than logic I am told.
Anyhoo, I am grabbing some flowers on my way to the PRFC, so I can spread some of the cheer I have had all week watching my flowers open and bloom.
Why not take a wee nature walk and pick a fistful of fun for your house. Or a quick trip to the petrol station may yield a bunch that are suitable. Just a new muffin recipe and share with some people at church. I love my new church and i hope they come to love me as well. I know the last place broke my  heart, but guess what? it is sturdy and it can take a few more disappointments. This church is not a social club, it is a place where you actually need your Bible for the service, can you imagine? i bet for some of you it is stiff and boring sounding so I advise you find what you are looking for cause it is out there. Don't give up, just think what you want a be a good detective. Don't settle for ordinary, church can be an adventure in getting to know you, and your own family.I have attended four churches now in 8 years, one because of one wedding only (Helen C) and thats another story for another day.
Happy May day tomorrow, pay some joy forward, as one day your tank may be empty and you will need a smile to lift your day. People really do try to be loving when you let them, and now we also need to learn how to receive love as well. Small kind gestures.Not big Royal wedding type affairs--just a friendly howdy do neighbor.
God bless.

Philippa Charlotte Middleton

Ok--
Pippa stole the show for me today--walking into Westminster Abbey with the little ones. What a lovely vision she made. Posh Bucket--or is it bouquet? had the bad taste to show up totally in black. David looked sort of unaware of where he even was, but it wasn't even a pretty dress. 
Camilla for her wedding day looked for her a lovely thing, but today she looked both tired and old. Duke of Edinburgh looked very stylish and seem to make some endearing comments to his bride who often smiled at him.
The music was stupendous, the tree theme in the abbey was inspired, and they managed to recite the names without error. Princess William is now a member of the most comical family on earth, or is it tragic?
I was hoping for more from the dress, and the flowers she carried were way too small. I do not know who she took advice from but she is so beautiful she should have outshone the errors. Pity that.
Mrs Cameron did not know enough to cover her head. Tragic, and with an election coming. Well one hopes we are all distracted until May 5, and that no one is keeping a close eye on what the marriage from hell between Tories and Flip-Dems are up to. Time will tell.I may be a bit of a cynic.
God bless.

The Royal Fiasco

Ok--
Is it just that I am jaded that i do not want any part of this wedding tomorrow? Kate is no virgin bride, and William if tradition holds will be thinking of another woman as he baldfaced lies before God. He couldn't stand up to his Mother then, and if he had maybe Diana would be alive today. Harry has no Windsor blood it is said so maybe he has a chance. Don't get me started on horse-face Camilla, except to say she must never be queen. The present Queen has kept that title scandal free except for what her slack-jawed children got up to. And isn't it ironic the son everyone thought was gay is the only one married to their first spouse? Good on ya Edward.
I remember Charles and Diana's wedding , we all thought the most embarrassing thing form that day would be Diana getting Charles name wrong. Who knew Charlie big ears was thinking of his mistress while taking vows before God with Diana?
I have no hope for those with Windsor blood in them, after this Queen we must seriously consider if the tax dollars are worth keeping so many palaces in order. I think Charles should stick to his kilt wearing, tree hugging, organic plodding through life. If he loves his country he will consider if in this day and age the Camelot myth was smashed to smithereens by him and his siblings? Andy is a no-brainer, but don't they all look God in a uniform?
I pity you Kate, I really do I am with your Aunt Alice on that. Well, someone had to start Williams marriage list, so you get to be first.Lucky you.
God bless.

The birth certificate

Ok--
Donald Trump is a horses patootey. Rich as Croesus, stupid as a box of rocks. He is not fit to drive the presidential limo let alone be the president, and he saved the taxpayers a fortune last week by showing the depths stupidity can go in a man that can walk erect. The birth certificate was produced today to the scorn of right thinking folk who know if there is a story the press will be all over it, even if false as in the case of FOX Noise. FOX is the worlds authority on manufactured facts.Sarah Palin works for them, need any more info?
I won't bore you with the details again, but imagine you dreamed of a job your whole life, and when you got it, it was the worst time in American financial history. Clinton had defended both the constitution and then balanced the budget, despite being impeached for his efforts. Along comes Jones--Bush and Cheney and Blair--the 3 stooges, and all hell breaks loose. The budget Mr Obama inherited had been decimated, and the country imploded with a record number of bad banks being bailed out, despite the fact that they had made the dodgy loans.
The times have been very hard for Americans, and they want a miracle worker not a mere president. I have a friend who insists on calling Mr Obama "O'vomit" and still calls herself a Christian.
This week for Easter the daughters of Mr and Mrs Obama read "where the wild things are" by Maurice Sendak. I think Obama had a knowing smile, the wild things are all around him. Good luck for your second term Mr. President, you may win by default because the republicans can't find one uncompromisable candidate to oppose you. This should be fun to watch. 
God Bless the USA
God bless.

British stiff upper lip

Erectile dysfunction, herpes, aids, colonoscopies.
Nice people don't talk about these things, right?
They and their families suffer in silence.
Nuff said.

Happy Birthday to me!!!!

Ok--
you good or nice people won't know what I am stressing about, but I hate birthdays. It isn't the aging I am 53, it is more how nice people are to you that normally don't acknowledge you on the street. If  you are special to me I won't wait for a specific day to tell you. I will let you know in any case I am not good at hiding good or bad emotions. I could never play poker for example. Even when i think i am circumspect my own face makes a liar out of me. 
Why can't we just say , you are a real nerd but I love you? I don't mean that syrupy romantic drivel I mean I genuinely would feel bad if you were hit by a bus, I would miss you stuff?
I have said it many times at funerals, but not so much at parades and parties. I wait too late to tell you how very much I think about the things you say, even if I don't respond at the time. The same intimacy that attracts you to your partner, will quickly fade in the cold light of day if you get too "comfortable" by which i mean rude to each other, at home.
We have friends we think are having marital woes, and we love them both, I just wish they were as kind to each other as they are to strangers on the street. We are at least polite to strangers. We would never shout I hate you in public even if we did. Something about being on our own door step and we forget common decency and basic kindergarten manners. Be careful what you say, do you really want to be alone? you know you can do that without leaving a wrecking ball in your former beloveds heart. I mean, you picked them. so if they are losers it says as much about you as them.
Some days I hate Jim enough to run him over, but it rarely has anything to do with Jim. He must be away long hard hours to support our family and his former one. He did so well he got a superior evaluation. He struggles with making his performance match his company's high ideal expectations. In return the company is taking his beautiful car he loves so much. Some way to say thanks huh? But Jim just regroups and says, "well it isn't just me its a lot of the guys". And he believes it, he has put his future in this company's hands.That is a kind of respect and love--to submit to things that don't always seem fair to take care of those you love. Jim loves me, and every time we have to be apart I miss him awfully. I was not his first choice, but I hope to be his last. He is my best friend. I don't want to look for another of those. I am content. Tell the people you love, don't assume they know. Unless you do want to be alone, like Greta Garbo.Lonely that.This could be a rebirth for you too.
God bless

Hmmm

Ok--
I enjoyed the new church yesterday, but to be fair I need to go again. It is not right to judge a place on a holiday. So many people are away or visiting and the service is not a regular one. Having said that, a person from the church I am attempting to distance myself from was there. I am not sure it is because it is a good church or that it is because it is in his own back yard, but we shall see.
The people themselves were friendly and the music was great. I did not feel pressured about the collection plate, and we had a nice cup of tea afterwards with a hot cross bun.
So far, so good. People of all ages with nice smiles, whats not to love? I think Jim may have been bored, but i think the room was warm for him.
We spent the day wandering after that. First to Luss(cream tea, and yes iced tea was no problem, lots of ice), then just up to Dumbarton. Then home to ASDA and then just home. Nice day, nice ride, nice companion. We had leftover homemade lasagna and then i was in bed at 7:30. I thought for a nap, but i woke up when Jim came to bed at 11 30. After griping at him about how i would never sleep now, i dozed off and slept till 5 am.
See even i don't know when i am exhausted, Jim may be right. Please don't tell him i said that, his hat doesn't fit now.
God bless

Was it a morning like this?

Ok--and a bit of Hallelujah--
One of my favorite Sandi Patty songs is this one--may i post a bit of the lyrics? "Was it a morning like this, when My Lord looked out on Jerusalem?did the grass sing? did the earth rejoice to see you again? Over and over in a never-ending round, did the earth seem to pound He Is Risen?"
It is a song about Easter told from the planet earth perspective. It makes my heart dance, and I always sing along if possible.I cannot reach the notes, but I know all the words and that is enough for me.


It is 6 am and the dawn broke fresh and glorious. My room faces the sun and it looks like we have every light in the house on. So even nature is cooperating to get us all to church.For my family in America it is 1 am and probably quite dark. Here, Jesus is risen and so has the sun. I know manyof you won't even believe in God let alone resurrection and that is fine. But I am not gonna modify my words for the reader. I will say my piece, but I will also listen to yours.
Someone on FB yesterday wrote some pretty nasty stuff on my posts. I pity that person.Truly, and so should you, as it is ok to disagree, but that level of disagreeableness means they are either hurting themselves, or jealous of people who claim God loves them personally, yet God has not seemingly approached them. Is that her fault?nope it is mine, and yours. If we had shared our hope and the word, at least she would have a choice--and know WHAT  she was actually rejecting.
So, my pity party about my last church ends today. I have found a church in Paisley (curiously recommended by someone who doesn't maybe believe in God--but likes the people)and Jim has agreed to go with me. I have not been to church since before Christmas. The why no longer matters, I am one person who does not do well as a maverick. People say do I have to go to a building to worship God? and the answer is no, he is everywhere.
But Brenda needs church cause the world closes in on her and distracts her. I need a quiet place with music and fellowship to focus my thoughts on why i am even at church. Ok I admit it, I cry in church if something touches me. You know, the occasional sermon that seemed written just for you? and the Pastor seems to fade into the background, and you think Jesus is speaking directly to you? Well that awesomeness reduces me to a puddle. I do not attend church to show off new clothes or to look spiritual with my friends, I go because I needed a Saviour. And she who is forgiven much, loves much, as in Mary Magdalen. I know what I am, and i know if i want to change I need a Risen Saviour. I have no beef with Buddha, Mohammed or Vishnu, but I am not dead, so I need someone alive to lead me. Jesus males sense to me.
I do not know where I would be today if someone had not shared with me the possibilities in Jesus. The world says, like Job's wife, curse God and die! Jesus said Brenda, you are not he best or worse person I know, but i love you as you are. Come and learn my ways when you are ready to stop blaming the world for what happened to you and see what part you play in this so we can stop this cycle of pain. 
One last song"Christ the Lord has Risen today, Hallelujah." I can't wait to get to this new church. I hope I know the songs, because I intend to be a belter today. What i slack in quality I will make up in volume. Talk to you later. Whatever you do or don't do for Easter, I wish you peace.
God bless.


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If I were totally honest

Ok-
This has been a tough week for me in a few odd ways. I started this blog about a month ago so I could get some issues off my chest that frankly I don't have the guts to say in person. You see I have a disease that impairs me.It is not he kidney failure, I am coping in various degrees with that on a daily basis. My biggest incapacity is that I do not believe in myself. I do not believe anyone else does either. Oh, I believe they love me, but more like a pet that is amusing to watch, but you are glad it lives at someone else's house.
You can't tell these days, but I was a beautiful child, and I had a beautiful soul. I knew God and spoke to him like I am talking to you now. Just lay on my bed at night and chatted away. I had a bajillion cousins and they all lived pretty close to my house for the most part. I never had to make friends before attending school cause i was surrounded by family my own age. In fact, I had an uncle and a cousin in my kindergarten class.
Somewhere between leaving my parents home to come to school and second grade, I was molested by my elementary school janitor. Not just once and the worst damage was what thoughts he put in my head. I actually learned to hate.Not dislike -hate and wish to die hate. Sadly, I didn't wish it on the man who hurt me, I wished it for myself.
This viper told me that I was a child and no one would believe me. He said people would believe him and not me. He said if I told, my daddy would go to jail. He said whatever it took to keep me quiet. I can still see him in my mind, leaning on a broom with that snakey smile of his. He was missing teeth and was fat and leering. I also worried others would know i was dirty, like they could sense it somehow--as if guilt had an odor or something.
Here is the cruelest blow of all. It is 100% true I swear--what he did to me didn't physically hurt. Here almost 50 years later I am in real pain over this, but not physical pain. My mother will die of embarrassment that I am telling this. Her basic policy is not forgive and forget so much as ignore and move on. 
I will not criticize her because I could tell you horrific things about her home life, and my Dad, but that is her story. She deserves the peace she has made with it. Also to be fair, until the day I heard Mr W had died I never told her. She made all the mother guilt noises like she should have known, but there was no way that would ever even occur to decent people, and we decided not to tell my Dad. We sheltered him from a lot of things, because although he could be kind and compassionate, he would also have moments of irrationality.
I pretty much medicated myself with food. My Dad hated fat people, and couldn't understand why I couldn't just not eat. I think he was a bit ashamed of me. I can live with that, I am a bit ashamed of myself. This Easter season is about atonement for a great sin, it is about forgiveness and renewal, it is about letting Jesus wipe away the past and give you a new future. Here is the thing about that, many don't want to let go of their pain. It serves some kind of a purpose to feel a martyr, and in your sinful rationalization you can say you are suffering for your faith. What a crock. All the suffering ever needed for anything was done on the cross. No one judging you can go back farther than that. That cross is where God drew a line, and accepted men again and forgave their sin. God loves people and wants to fellowship with his creation, but he cannot abide sin. We needed a Saviour, and he sent the only son he would have. We deserve to be slaves for this great bloody sacrifice, but he calls us joint heirs in all he intends to give his own Son. How many people do you know do that?
Ok I promise this is not the way I wanted to approach this Holy Week, I wanted to be all "God is good", but God doesn't need that. He doesn't need defending either. He just needs us to get to know him at our pace, and show him our hearts and to let him heal them. But as this process is going on, He simply cannot love us more or less. We can't ever make him give up on us, even if we try to. He totally knows us and accepts us. It is often we who cannot handle our sin, not God. People think the Bible has so many don'ts, and it does, but none of them benefit God. They benefit us, to prevent these deep soul hurts that could ultimately make us turn away from His great love--feeling too dirty or worn down to try. I will take God's second chance, and third and fourth if I need to. I am not too proud for that. I want to be with Him forever--the promise of that cross. I know many of you do not believe as I do and that's fine. I am just telling my story as honestly as I can. Does becoming a Christian mean you never sin again, or does it lead to a perfect abundant life in monetary terms? Nope.Not a chance. I still will dialyze for the rest of my life probably. My brother has Chrohn's disease.. It is not fatal, but it is forever. While we live, we are a bit unwell. 
But one day--this will all be worth it, and we will walk with God in whatever  that means. This fleeting seventy years or so will seem like a blink then. And then we enter into eternity and bliss. I will finally breath fully and free.
Happy Easter.
God bless.

Maudlin Thursday

Ok--this is Holy Week, the end of a very long Lenten season, leading up to Easter Sunday, arguably the most holy day of the Christian calendar. I had so many things perking in my brain to talk to you about, and so much of myself I wanted to share so that maybe some of my blogs would make more sense, especially to my kind readers who really don't want to be, as my favorite ref put it,"God botherers", whatever that means.
I said I planned to, but once again events foreshadow my best-laid plans. In my country we love our constitution, especially when it sides with our own needs. The most precious being free speech, in my opinion, that keeps all the other freedoms in balance. Britain is where we got most of our Judeo-Christian values.
I hate Old firm games.There I said it. I do not hate soccer, I do not hate any team or player, I hate any ancient evil that is tolerated. In my country the big hate was your color or lack of it. Here, believe it or not it is your religion you die for. For loving God however you express it, or the freedom to openly say you reject God. Now if God doesn't smite people down for this, who are we?
For the apparent crime of wearing a Celtic supporter shirt to work a woman was sent a letter bomb. For being the Manager and his lawyer another bomb cluster issued. If we let this go it is condoning attempted murder.Nothing less. Does this make all Celtic violence ok now? absolutely not. Both sides contributed to the mess we got this week, and neither backs down.
Many feel Rangers assistant doofus Mr M and his lot got off scot-free recently, and I am sure Cetic have caused their fair share of this perfect crap too. This is wrong and more serious than a few game bans.
The Easter Sunday game should be played fan-less to penalize them in the wallet. Murray is trying to peddle the Rangers and Lloyds bank inherited the team from the cob-job of Bank of Scotland bail out(shady but thats for another day), so a financial hit would teach fans a lesson. Celtic is behind just now and even though not in major financial woes, rely on the souvenirs above already exorbitant ticket prices.
Up to now fan madness has been poo-pooed and both sides blame the middle."It is not our fans it is a few rogue nut cases "I am sure they think. Well guess what? what if the intended victims hadn't opened the packages? are there never any kids in these homes? I do not know in your house , but my mail is dropped through a door hole and anyone could pick it up. Not to mention endangering mail carriers. I am in such a rage.
This is sport and the other day I ranted on and on about mental fitness  being so important to the preparation of a game. Did you notice a "game" not Armageddon? It is after all, soccer.It is not a holy war and if it was both sides would lose. We pay so much for security at these old firm games because fans can't control their own selves. Well. I propose you tally the cost from now on and pass it back to the teams, they can learn sharing from dividing the costs and passing it back to fans in ticket sale prices. We are all looking to cut back in the new economy-the waste from security costs could probably keep a mounted policeman paid for a year each game.See, sports really could be good for the country.
A while back I blogged about a woman who said if she paid for the ticket, she could do anything she wanted at a game. I never thought we would go past that in ignorance, singing sectarian songs in this day and age. Well singing can incite a riot, but it still is far overshadowed by a bomb, nope make it 3 bombs that we know of.
I am neither for or against Catholics or Protestants as a religion. Keep it in church, if you can't go to a sports event and stay sober enough to be rational. Time to grow up. I draw the line at bombs. You worry about sending troops into harms way in Libya, and you are more likely in Scotland to die opening your mail. Last chance fans, we can shut this down now if we have to.Death and taxes are required, sports are optional. Jail is where this person is headed, but there is a collective cultural blame.
If possible, God bless.

Don't pimp our kids

Ok--the British policy of stiff upper lip has to end in one area, and 
there is a new sex educational show on tv the now. I applaud it because most people are not able to discuss intimate issues with their partner, let alone their kids. We take the most natural thing in the world (procreation) and mystify it and make it dirty if we can. Rabbits and aardvarks aren't so unpractical. They just do what they do. Case closed.I am all for modesty, but people today are dying for lack of good honest information about what all is out there. Hand out info , not just condoms.Let's tell our kids abortion is not a contraceptive device.Shame on us.
God bless.

Slinky is moving

Ok--
my friend Slinky is a dog. His family says he is moving to Aberdeen. I will miss the family too, of course, but I love Slinky.Ah well, such is life. 
My kitty is not amused how much time is spent mourning a dog who hasn't left yet.
Don't get me wrong I am happy for the nice young couple, and i wish them well.I just hope I don't cry as next Friday is her last day as our dialysis nurse. 
One thing I know, I am not gonna get attached to anyone else. It is too hard. Except for the "mighty men of Paisley " I only know about a dozen people. I stayed in a church in Houston far too long cause I needed the socialization. My bad. Now I am looking for a place to worship for Easter, and to begin to let dear Slinky go. I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry...oops I AM crying. Bye Slinky and Jen.
God bless.

Fitness

Ok--
if you belong to the Paisley Rugby Football Club you will be astounded that I am going near this topic.Well, so am I. I want to suggest to you today that there are many forms fitness can take. When  they first diagnosed my kidney failure and took me off the diabetic medication I have used for twenty some years  I tried to get mentally fit.Any real athlete will tell you the match begins between your ears. You can literally lose the race in your own mind.
I learned to walk again, yes i used a zimmer and then graduated to two  sticks, but i learned. Physio types taught me to sit up and roll over in bed. It almost sounds like i had a stroke doesn't it?
The other women in my room were of a certain age and just wanted to sit in their chair. Not me, when they refused treatment i would beg for their session as well. I knew walking would be one of my criteria for ever going home. You may think i am a nice person, but learning to go up the stair(yes THE stair), i swore like a trooper mostly at myself and the poor physio trying to help me. I do not know if you ever experienced this, but for a time i could not lift my feet from the floor. To this day Jim has to put my shoes on or i am trapped at home.SO many people were a part of my recovery so far.
I could not read well as my eyes were playing tricks, so Jim brought me in talking books and Wilma loaned me a million movies. Many brought flowers and others just sat and visited me a while, and to them i thank them for their patience.
Jackie J, the worlds greatest nurse, didn't work at my particular hospitals, but she stood tall (and damnably firm) whenever i wanted to cut and run. The one thing I will never forget was the look on Marks face when i could actually walk up to him when he visited me. A magic moment.He is a teenager and therefor knows everything, but he is a loyal and good friend and when we bicker i think it is because we are twin sons of other mothers.
If Mark loves you, all is well. He is a good judge of character because he doesn't judge.By God he questions, but he doesn't judge.
My I do wander. Anyhoo for obvious reasons the old man has sat on me about a year now, cause i overdo around the house and then cripple myself. It is so hard though, all my friends play rugby and cross train with kettle-balls and running and martial arts. My discipline is to sit down between every task i try to do.
Rowena runs and is doing a "race for life" with her daughter., plus most of the people work full time , keep a house and raise kids. I walked the sports mile last year and it took almost an hour to do the four minute mile.
Are any of you out there reading this trained in Physical Education? I need a slow ease back into basic fitness. I will never play rugby, but I will not spend the allotted time left sitting on my chair. I will consider anything-i even tried walking in the swimming pool, it would be less stressful I assumed. Sadly that is boring for whomever is my buddy for the day as I cant jump and dive and splash like when I was a tadpole. Awwww the Yerdon pool of my youth, what a blessing.
Anyhoo please feel free to comment if you have any suggestions. It must be low impact as I am less than a beginner now. Maybe a kindergarten fitness for  adults. Well at least that made me smile.
Go mighty men of Paisley.You constantly inspire me to keep trying to achieve your excellence. Throw a kettle ball for me.If Sophie can do it, I will learn how one day.
God bless.

Jack

Ok--
My best friend for 40 years, (longer than most marriages) is named Ellen. She is older than I am-yes!-and this weekend she gave her husband of 30 years an eightieth birthday party in my home town area. Sounds wonderful you say? well yes if you never left home.
I live in Scotland.That was my choice, but like most things in life that seem good at the time, you don't see the consequences of your actions or the repercussions to others.


I missed my brothers 50th birthday.
I missed Ellen's cider making party.
I missed my Grandma turning 100(bless her)
I missed celebrating Jack and Ellens 30th anniversary.
I couldn't go when my beloved Aunt Barb was unwell and subsequently died.
Births, deaths, weddings and funerals had to go on without me. Ball games, fireworks, ordinary stuff of life like Christmas and Easter with people who believe in God as I do,it angers me that my whole life is on hold due to dialysis.


I am chained to a machine.Four hours, three times a week every week, for the rest of my life. Transportation time is factored in so it pretty much ruins my day, and though it saves my life sends me home too exhausted for anything more strenuous than a nap, it is a kind of life.Most of the time I am resigned to living on the sunny side of life, but I hate dialysis. I often contemplate quitting,but in my case it would be a type of suicide, and that leads directly to hell in my faith, do not pass go, do not collect your heavenly robes.
Unless you are chronically unwell, you can't imagine the pleasures of being not sick enough to die, not well enough to be independent. You get to listen to auxiliary nurses moan about how hard their job is, and how ungrateful our lot is. Needing something to vent your anger on, you fight about the sandwiches, how cold or too hot the room is, and why is that other patient staring at you?
People look at you funny when you say you don't work, even though every week you look a little bit better than before they knew what was wrong with you. You live a life of constantly adjusting senna to loosen you with diarrhea meds to tighten you back up. You become mortally afraid of laughing or any strong emotion or sneezing as it may lead to what is euphemistically called an "accident", especially in public. Try to have some dignity, let alone mystery and romance in your new marriage. And you fall down like a drunken sailor on permanent shore leave.Oh goody.
Am i having a pity party, you bet. Hands up, you caught me. I am still angry from this morning(see dialysis woes blog), and if i told you what happened when the driver finally did come you wouldn't even believe me. I wish i were a camel so I could spit.
And what comfort from my Bible? my source of hope and serenity?two words, "rejoice always" fir this is the will of the Father regarding you. Thanks Dad. 
God bless.

Dialysis woes

Ok--Today is a dialysis day and i am thinking of skipping
I went downstairs to wait at 7 am the usual time at 7:30 i gave up and went upstairs again. I called a patient in Foxbarr who is the first pickup and she was still home.In the old days i would be screaming and refusing to go at this point. The driver is unreliable at best. If you don't like your job please don't take it out on the patients, as this  is not a trip to Braehead for ladies who lunch. Dialysis saves my life, and i still go unwillingly, but i am always on time. It would be rude to the other 2 ladies. In fact I am already downstairs waiting. But one half hour on my feet is still to much for me, and now i am in pain.I was afraid to come upstairs for fear of missing my ride. What if I had waited?It is one hour now since i first went down to meet him.If and when they ever get me then we are on to Renfrew to get another patient, and have to be at the western by 8. It is now 8 am and i am spitting mad.OK thanks for listening i won't always be a raving lunatic.Some days I am worse.
God Bless.

Tamil Tigers

Ok--I am not gonna do my blog any favors today. When I arrived from America I really didn't have much of a clue who the Tamil Tigers were. They were just the bad guys in Sri Lanka. Now it turns out we must redefine bad guys as the Sri Lankan government itself has been caught openly terrorizing their own people. Open society to foreigners is a good sign of a healthy government, and a free press means people can change things by addressing them openly and honestly. Tonight I saw some footage of men stripped of both clothes and dignity and shot in an execution style slaughter. Consider with war crimes on both sides, how safe are the basic citizens of Sri Lanka? Why are we not NATO bombing them? Perhaps there is no oil?


Robert Mugabe has already secured his place in hell for the actions against the white farmers in Zimbabwe, and now the citizenry in general.The problem is the white farmers were too good at what they did. It looked easy to be Africa's breadbasket, and so some genius decided to take over these farms (a euphemism for go or be pushed) and give them to black men. Fine in principal, but there was not the generational family training or secondary  agricultural college training in how to run a profitable farm, and they slowly painfully failed. Farming is first and foremost hard back-breaking work. You cannot say I am a milker when the crops need planting, you cannot say I drive the grain to the mill when it is not yet harvested. Many times of the year it has to be all hands on deck to get the crop in. There has to be a foreman at least that has his credentials in order to lead the team.
In his frustration at these crop failures, Mr Mugabe in his wisdom refused food from western sources(although he personally looks a bit overfed to me). If you think I ma exaggerating ask South Africans how many Zimbabweans are in their borders--needing everything up to and including medical care. Idi Amin would be proud. Pol Pot also, but what are we to stand idly by?
Why are we not asking Mrs Clinton to shake  our proverbial  fists at UN meetings and demanding action and that Mugabe should and must leave before he starves his people literally to death? I see a theme here, Zimbabwe has no oil.
Well then in that case they are a sovereign nation and we must not interfere-we are not the world's policemen. It is disheartening.


China was given the opportunity to host  the Olympic games. The west rejoiced to think we would finally get into the country President Nixon opened to us in the day. Well we saw what they wanted us to see, and little else. So many little people thrown off their land for the Olympic cause and for what purpose? Are the Chinese people any better off for these games? Where did all that money go? to the poor farmers left homeless in the wake of huge plans to glorify China? I think not. Communism has failed on an epic scale and they (Chinese officials) no longer even pretend not to be capitalists. They own massive chunks of America now and the dollar can't fail cause they have to boost it up. So how seriously will the Chinese take us on the human rights issues? Diplomats have to be certain China won't call in its debts and bankrupt us permanently. Tread lightly as we owe them money.


Greed, lust for power and need for control are increasing not decreasing. I feel there is little regard for the value of each and every human life.For life to have meaning, every life must be valued, although it is silly to assume we will all have the same output of work. We all must do what we can--and we all must start immediately.Talk to your government representatives--there are elections coming up--and they may think you just care about local things--you decide what you care about and get vocal.Talk. Write. Meditate. Sing. Pray. Do.something." The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Please don't throw up your hands like a couch potato. Take courage from Tunisia and Egypt and Libya--their causes all seemed hopeless at one time, and now they are miracles in progress.Be enCOURAGEd, and do what you can. I am begging you. One day we may need these very people when the Tamil Tigers of our fears come calling. We are one global village now. Be a good citizen.
God bless us all.

Molly the Cat-uman

Ok--
Molly the wonder cat thinks she is better than humans, and she fears she may be turning a wee bit humanish. She feels put upon because either she is left to her own devices or some humans hang around on  the best chairs in her rooms. She is beginning to fell the effect of living with these two legged bald creatures. They dismay her sensibilities as often as you could imagine. They seem feral.
First of all; they eat with their paws, and they do not bathe before each nap. They cannot stretch, bend or run and play as well as a cat. They need a lot of attention, and seem to like to touch or hold you even when you just  allowed it last week. Enough is enough, and it means your entire bathing ritual must start again,head to toe, because frankly they smell of what they eat, and it aint fish, baby believe me.I do not know what they eat, but hours later it seems to eat them (better leave that one lie).
Secondly, and far be it from me to complain, they are quite loud at odd hours whether or not I am napping. They add horrible smells to cover already indescribably bad smells.
We won't even discuss the operation I had. All I know is I was singing out love songs in case someone else was as lonely as me. It is what a male debonair cat does. Yes, I am a ladies cat.I then went in the car and got shaved and stitched and well, thankfully I was sedated so that's all i know.I don't know what they did but I am putting on a bit of weight. Hard to say cause they dress me in last month's fashions.You should see the hat the vet sent me out with .Everyone in his office was laughing at me. Thank God I was in my traveling box for the car.
Unlike them, I can chase any dog right back to his own house and not get the worst of it.They put weird chains and things on me that i think attract fleas. They seem fairly docile, but they scratch like they have mites.The biggest injustice is when one but stretches ones legs and scratch a bit of sofa and one will get a newspaper snapped on one's nose, believe me.
Thirdly-this odd obsession they have with windows. I need a platform to jump from to get at these lippy birds. The birds are nasty free thinkers and  seem proponents of free love and live entirely in the open, making nests with whomever they can. Besides they smell good and look tasty in my unmovable opinion.
Hey.would it kill you to put a little crushed ice in my water? I never ask for anything. I don't speak humanish. It has been a while since milk was left out for me either. One is no longer a kitten, kitten, but one does so love a bit of icy cold milk.
They like to play with toys so I join in when i can, speaking of aromas, mostly their best trick is refreshing my box. A lady needs certain creature comforts as you well may know. I will not discuss my box except to say I try to leave a little sumpin-sumpin whenever I can. A lady doesn't "go" and tell.
I have much more to tell you, but I need a wee kip just now and my pink fuzzy blanket is calling me. You will,  of course, excuse me but I have certain priorities. Tonight it is my turn to yowl at the kit cats strolling down our lane. One does what one can. I love a full moon. Or sleeping stretched out in the sun on the carpet. Life is good.
Meow meow.
(God bless).

in the pursuit of happiness...

Ok--
I have a friend at dialysis, his name is irrelevant in case he has family, but he was there directly across from me from my first session. I was so badly behaved, but he took it in his stride and was kind to me as I learned to accept both my kidney failure, and the eternal death of dialysis. In truth we were both kinda depressed and usually we were good for each other because we were never down on the same day.Except once.
One day my friend decided that dialysis was no kind of life-we agreed it was a kind of death but it never ended. We decided to get off the merry-go-round. We both seemed to feel no transplant would ever be given us and we quietly discussed dying together.
In our pain and confusion we believed it was a gift to our poor families, who seemed chained to the machine as much as we were. So please don't give me crap about assisted suicide, I know the whys of it. I know the despair of chronic illness, and the fear you will never get your old life back. I almost slid under that net to what I hoped would be peace.
Here's the reason why I do not believe in assisted suicide ( and this is me, I am not speaking for anyone else). We both got much better. If you knew us then you wouldn't recognize us today. We both can walk again. Yes we will need dialysis for the rest of our lives, but someone may invent a way to clone kidneys or the machine may get portable or something bizarre like my kidney could regenerate. 
The point is today we talked about a trip to Benidorm. Yes it would need to include dialysis treatments, but it is not impossible, and there is life after kidney failure. I can actually live again, and not a compromised life of day trips on the weekend, I can go away, wherever my gypsy soul leads me.
I am not in prison unless I give in to this melancholy. I can choose to live. If you have a choice, choose life. Your next adventure awaits.
God bless.

lies, damnable lies, and statistics

OK--I wish i had never found the stats column on my blog. It ruined me for awhile, as I started peeking to see what and how many and who instead of writing simply what was on my heart to write. Guilty.
Today in his infinite wisdom,(ouch i bit my tongue in cheek) David Cameron, as we learned to his chagrin earlier this week, an Oxford graduate,is going to speak to us about immigrants. Also he will pontificate on marriages to bypass customs, etc.etc.etc. in the usual Tory way (by that I mean he will try to gain favor by sticking it to Labour and Lib-dems).
Just so there is no confusion, I myself am an immigrant. It is not easy to get a visa and it is very prohibitive in cost.. The test to become a British citizen is beyond my abilities as I don't test well. I have always spoken English as my first language, so you will say, no we mean "those people", not you our American cousin.
Well although I am 100% American and proud, I come from a nation of immigrants, whereby some even believe the so-called Native Americans may be of Chinese heritage and walked through Russia and the Bering Strait. Without immigration, my nation would be very far behind indeed and perhaps still a wooded area. They brought the skills we needed and a willing work force. They learned the language  enough to hold a job and they stressed education to the next generation, who spoke better English than their parents and handled a lot of the conversations needed outside the home. One thing is sure, they were proud and blessed us with their rich families, 
cultures and foods, but their one goal was to make their children 100% american, and for them to blend into the American dream.
In America we are so large we have room for some pretty odd characters, and we have more than our occasional squabble-but our forefathers wanted a land where everyone could be free of whatever they were trying to leave behind in the old world. It is part of the reason so many religions and cults thrive in America--if they obey the law we left them alone.
Since 911 we have let fear overtake reason at times, but we are gently swinging back to our roots of gratitude and welcome to all .
If you come to America by plane, you must sign a paper saying you are not coming for purposes of moral turpitude or to overthrow the government. But even if you wrote" yes" they wouldn't find you till a week after you went home. We can't frankly afford the kind of border patrol needed. I think Mexico is a bigger problem than Canada, but illegal is illegal and we must deal with this once and for all, both here and at home.
Glasgow is a major metropolitan city--nearly every country of the world has someone there--it leads to great busking, better food and music, and sharing of old and new traditions in our homes. 
One fellow said on TV that immigrants aren't taking our jobs, just the ones of those who make more on benefits than they would in a real job. Generational welfare exists in America too, and feeds our entitlement culture. Work, any honest labor is good for your self esteem and your wallet. I know I jumped all over on this blog, but I am passionate and sensitive on this topic. I needed to check some of my attitudes when I came to Britain, and maybe we all need to take another look at the people of immigration, and see them as  individual cases. Not numbers to be quotas, not looking to exclude, but looking for the job skills we need here just now. Looking for those whose lives and families will strengthen the British Ideal. Anyway, thats one housewife's opinion. God bless.

Consider this darlings...

Ok--there is no fool like an old fool. I am 52 years of age--which I hope will not turn out to be middle age. My Mother's Mom is 100 years old, and Mom is 29 ad I am 52, (and a bit of a diplomat). I started this blog on April Fools Day so if it were universally hated, I could say it was all a joke.
Yes I am the cheerleader for insecurity. I call myself a writer, but my old man had a blog way before me. I always thought i had words for Hallmark greeting cards(people have me give them sentiments to write on cards and gifts). But for serious thinkers, I thought, oh never, they will laugh me off Facebook. Today is a pretty sunny day, so I am getting tons of things done around the house and things i put off till i had no one under foot but me.. I am happy to report I thoroughly enjoyed having the house to myself today.
In fact, and not just cause I am sorting and cleaning, I am still in my night clothes. Which leads to todays blog. Someone came to my door. When they just stood there i panicked, then they knocked and i was not dressed to answer the door. So I sat perfectly still and waited. They lifted the cover to my letter box. Then when they tried the handle it sounded like to me they got in. My heart was pounding to beat the band. If it HAD been Jim he calls out as soon as he comes in, so I reached for the phone to dial 999 and luckily they turned on their heels and left.
Phewww is right. Listen, everyone is welcome in my house, but call first as I am often needing to be prepared as in dressed, hair combed, etc. It is not like you need permission, I will gladly say yes, but I need to to get my act together. (the least of which is run the hoover!, loll)
Ok tea tonight is salmon, lemon balsamic rice, and butter beans. Hope Jim had a light lunch.) anyhoo I must carry on my chores and finish writing tomorrows blog in my head, as it is controversial and i don;t want to be angry when I write the piece. When I am peeved I don't think clearly enough.By now I am confident that you understand.
God bless.

The rain returneth...

Ok--The people who paid money for the Masters in Augusta sure got their money's worth in my opinion. The Northern Ireland golfer, aged 21, Mr McIlroy should be chuffed he plays so well he had a spot in the Masters. He began in the lead on the last day in a tournament that included Mr Woods who despite his personal problems is back to the game he loves. He will be playing at the Masters long after most of them are retired, so I see a green jacket in his future, and would like to offer a well-earned nod to his future.Make room for McIlroy fellas.Well done that man.

This reaffirms my belief that any man or woman can be president, and anyone can win the Masters if they bring their "A game".
God bless.

A ride to the shore...

Ok--like yesterday I prepared one blether mentally about the car park at a local grocery store. Yesterday was a perfect day and many stopped to pick up picnic or bbq supplies and beer, soda and ice. Who cares right, well ok fair enough, but it was the fact that because so many were just running in for one or two items, i saw many young people parking in the handicapped spaces. However whilst i was forming the tirade i was gonna say, I had the radio on Clyde 1 i believe, and I want to commend the radio presenter though i did not catch his name. A woman of a certain age called in and was saying she didn't understand all the hoopla over singing at football games. Initially she seemed reasonable, until the presenter asked her what songs she meant for example. He suggested a few that of course no thinking person would sing anymore. She immediately took umbrage with the old saw of "If i pay for my ticket, I can do as I like.". Freedom of speech is one thing, but inciting the type of violence football games are famous for is another. The presenter pointed out the embarrassment at European games when the fans disrespect each other and the nation they are a guest in..
She then pointed out "who do these sectarian songs offend?" Well if they offend anyone they are capable of inciting violence so wouldn't she rather sing a song like "Hail Hail  the Celts are here!" or a similar Rangers supporters song.To which she replied a determined NO!
I was horrified about this encounter and told my hubby when he returned to the car. He told me that security can ask any fan to leave for any reason. So Mrs phone-in caller, paid ticket or no, the times have changed and you will conform to the rules of decent people or you may have to watch from home.

Does football need supporters ticket money? of course but there is a limit-and religious songs that offend are no more welcome than throwing bananas on the field. People have a right to be, and you must let them. Case closed.
God bless.

Another Saturday night

Ok--there are so many things I want to write about that it is hard to limit myself by any constraint but time.It is almost 11 am and the old man wants me to go to the rugby at 1pm. If you follow his blog "the Loose thinker--"you will see rugby is his religion, and he is good at it.
I am still a little shaken that i got reported for abuse or spamming,but i figure some people read this just to find the errors, some read it to make sure they are not in it, and some need to make others feel as bad as they do-- so I like to think I have something for everyone.
The old man has been on holiday and I realized how quiet my life is in general. I don't have to make him lunch or get him cold drinks when he is at work, and no one is usually here to hear me scream at the news at noon or grumble there is no good daytime TV.
Then i remember how lost I am when the company sends him to england,and how much i call and check on him not becoming to tired driving, yup i am a naggy wife. I worry over every thing in case something happens and I won't have time to worry then. Needless to say (but I will) nothing i worry about usually happens--or tragedies hit me from out of the blue. Four people from my little community at home in NY died recently, and they were very different people in the ways i knew them. One was Roger Dow who ran a local petrol station and i think car repair. One was the father-in-law of my friend Billy Mc, one i didn't know well, and one was Louis Trexler.
I  only saw this man once or twice when i was at his house, but he worked hard and treated me with respect like I was own of his own kids. That was rare for me with friends parents. The smartest thing he ever did was to marry Midge.I absolutely loved her then and i love her now. She was one of us kids, even as much as going swimming with a bunch of us after Phylis H married that man.
Everything she did with us she made better, and I hope she is in good health and not to forlorn without Louis.She had an ear to listen, and a way of helping you sort out your own thoughts and go back home to your parents. I am not the only one who she helped, and with all this talk about being a Christian these days, Midge walked it in my opinion, and she understood i was rough around the edges and seemingly took no notice.I am sorry i waited this long to tell you, Midge, but Ellen told me about Louis and I teared up for missing you.
Ethel Hall from Cincinnatus, Ellen Stoltz from Camden, and Jackie Jowett from Houston all came into my life when I needed them, heck Ellen stuck around 40 years so far; Ethel only left due to the fact she passed away,and Jackie is my neighbor. I have only known her about 5 years but as a nurse she has been priceless in info, and as a friend she is very forgiving. I wish i could be like anyone of these women, but alas i am more and more like my own mother and myself. Due to them, thats becoming ok as well.
If anyone has her address i would dearly love to send her a card, last i knew she lived in Westdale. Thanks for listening, and God bless.

Tsunami Inconveniences

Ok--I awoke to a scene from a movie the old man was watching which i considered pornographic, but that's not the shocker, the shocker was that he didn't even flinch. The really horrifying news was BBC1 reporting on the effects of Japan's tsunami on the rest of the world. Why, shock horror, Nissan can't get some of their car parts! How inconvenient to British car makers! If we had been warned we could have stockpiled parts! was the implication.

I think the whole world has gone crazy--starting, but not finishing by any means, at my house. I think we all have situational ethics, but I didn't realize I was "one of them". God bless.

Pay freeze.

I am still angry with my last blog topic. Is anyone suggesting the MP and local government freeze their pay till Britain is on its feet again--you bet not. Lets see after the May elections if we get clegged or if coalitions can cease. I am not advocating any one party, i am just asking you if you care, vote or shaddup.

Oh and by the way, yes I DO  know life is not fair.I am not allowed to post on FB due to a complaint about my blog being spam or abusive.Whoever that was,ty very much.

It's not about the money

Ok-here is a post from a dear friend's link to Facebook
"Dear Prime Minister I hear you would like to freeze the pay rates for soldiers starting next year. Would you also consider cutting your own pay to save more money for our country? While you're at it, lets reduce all MP's pay too. If the people who risk their lives don't get an increase in pay, why should we continue raising pay for those who take no risks and reap the benefits? "


Sadly most of our military families are not Eton graduates, nor do they come from the money you reportedly do Mr Cameron, so I don't know as you are the best one to lead our nation at  this time.


Bankers, athletes, and dope pedlars are not hit by the current depression, but nurses, teachers, and especially cops and soldiers need our mutual support financially, and to be kitted out with the protective gear they need to do their job. They need to be able to afford a family, as we all know this is not the Pony Express that hires only orphans. Blair and Bush made a lot of orphans, but then didn't take care of them as their parents might have hoped.


 I would never set a price on the value of a British soldier, or any soldier, but neither would i put a cap on the cost of their rehabilitation. They had a job when you hired them, and they deserve to be fit to work when you are done with them, or to not have to fear homelessness or living in sub-standard housing conditions.


Talk is cheap, prosthetic limbs are not. Mr Cameron do you have a son? What price would you put on any of your children's or our children's heads? You claim you want to make this British culture more unified, well let's start there. Let us restate the value of a human life, and let's set the standard of care for the soldiers of the world. You owe it to the Gentles family in Scotland, and so many many more--and the number rises daily.

Romans 12:4-5 "A body is made up of many parts, and each of them has its own use. That’s how it is with us. There are many of us, but we each are part of the body of Christ, as well as part of one another."

Ok--today is dialysis day so I won't have time to write a long thoughtful piece, but i want to discipline myself to blog daily even on the weak days.
I wish I could tell you how much writing does for me. If you say you are a writer you may write, but if you are truly a writer you write every where you go, forming thoughts you write snippets of to stretch out later into poems and stories. You can't help it, when you people gaze you make stories of what their life is like that you could never know is true or even possible.I am sure many of you will know exactly what I mean--it isn't holy orders or a religious calling, but it is the gift God gave me, and I fear wasting this gift with tripe. It is humbling in a world of viral internet links, I have two readers. Thanks to Ann and my hubby, for being faithful to this experiment. God bless.

Tuesday despite what my blog says

Ok--I am having an issue with my blog--the date i post and the date it says i post are not quite the same. This is a relatively minor thing,and I am assuming googleblog is on american time, which I am not.Tuesday, 5/4/2011 at about 8:15 I am composing this. Facts is facts.
Had a great non dialysis day off with my old man,we didn't go anywhere special, but he has a way of making it a perfect day. It is even more perfect now cause he is at the rugby and i can have the place to myself and do some writing.I fear for the day he is retired full-time, we may need a second computer or second house, just to not be overly together(on each others nerves).We are both very nice people--but it is the rare couple who can be around each other 24/7/365.I am not that precious.
I have always craved alone time, it is when i talk to myself about my writing, my plans, my behaviors, etc.I not only answer myself, I argue with me as well. I am quite sure i can't blame this on kidney failure, I think i have always been this way. I have to kind of dare myself to go back out each day and try again. Some days it doesn't work, and I just won't listen to sense. It's ok i trust you, if you know me this is not much of a deep dark secret anyway.God bless.

Ok today is a dialysis day, and I am already in a bad mood. I have been up for awhile because my nerves don't let me sleep when I could be up and worrying about all that could go wrong. The only truth I know is that I hate dialysis, and the bitter part is I may have been able to prevent it if I had been a bit more careful with my diabetes. Oh well, maybe this was just my lot in life though, who can say?
The old man and I have had words already, which led to the typical screaming I thought we had worked past doing anymore. I wouldn't even mind if it were sensible, but we were arguing over who may have killed a young cop in Northern Ireland, in Omagh to be specific. Whoever did it, someone has it out for cops, whether that is related to any religion or set of beliefs, or not. No one  has taken credit for the killing, but what if they are all wrong and it is some random nut job with an ax to grind? Unlikely, but I hate to see the delicate peace negotiations stopped if it is not a reemergence of the troubles. One thing is for sure--the troubles have started here this morning, and I don't think either of us will believe the other is sorry even if we both were to say it.
Aint love grand? I hate dialysis.

Mothering Sunday

Ok you are going to learn a bit more about me today. I am nobody's mother, and today is Mothering Sunday.In May it will be Mother's Day in America and so two days a year I am really depressed.Truly ,madly, deeply  as the album says, and tomorrow i will be fine. I see the wisdom of my life, but don't we always want what the other guy has? In my lifetime, abortion has become legalized and so many people use it as birth control and that gives me issues too. I won't deny I am anti-abortion, but I am not against anyone who took that step, after all it was legal. I won't address moral issues as this is a very personal family decision, and I am not gonna start rummaging around in other peoples heads when my own needs so much sorting.
Whatever you decided when you made your choice I know there are about a million side issues and questions,and thats before you tell your family. Then they all have an opinion, and the Father may feel pressured in other ways, anything to make the decision harder. If you kept your baby or gave it up Happy Mothering Day. The rest of you come sit here by me and we will cry together, then tomorrow we will move on.

Come Saturday Morning

OK it is Saturday morning, about 6:30 am and I can't sleep and I can't rest quietly hoping sleep will come. There is no particular reason I can't sleep, but I am pretty excited because I think I have talked the old man into helping me shampoo the rugs. I know that sounds like snoozeville, but if you had seen this place when we moved in you would understand. It was so disgusting I literally cried. I would have refused to take the apartment, but they had stalled and we had come up against the date our former landlords wished to return to live in the maisonette we rented from them. So some friends helped, especially Gavin, bless him, and in we went.Let the cleanings commence, so to speak.
You should know that my health is not the best. I have been a diabetic about 30 years and have pretty much always been able to do anything I wanted in life. Then one day I become middle aged and all that entails and all at once I started gaining weight and eating much less. My kindly doctor explained that at age 50 you do start to get more aches and pains--and 6 months later when i was much worse it was described as my "change". Sadly, I had done all the "changing" I was gonna do at 22 years of age. I had had a 35 lb ovarian tumor removed and that "changed" my life forever.It meant no birth control needed and no babies either. On Mothers Day I tear up a bit but most days I am thankful. I am indestructible though and I survived that and many other things that prove it just wasn't my time to go yet. This was different. 
I went to a party I threw for Jim when he turned 50, and woke up later in the hospital in Paisley. Apparently I had turned to Jim and said I was warm so we went outside. The rest is a blur of things I have no recollection of until I woke up. One of the first things i said when they took the ventilator out won't surprise you. It is what will be printed on my gravestone if i have one, "I 'm sorry."I'm sorry is an all purpose thing i say to excuse my being alive  I think. So anyway, I said I'm sorry. I knew the expense of whatever had happened would break our finances forever.
Jim said, this is not America, there is no charge at POS here, I paid for this all the years i worked and paid taxes. Can you imagine? It was a good thing too because I was in a long while. You should know to me a long while in hospital is two days and the nurses throw a party after I leave. Truly and with good reason they do.
To make an already too long story short, I have kidney failure probably from years of seeing how much I could get away with and still be diabetic. I will save the joys of dialysis for another day. I just want to set the record straight in my mind of where I have been and to where i am headed.I think the old phrase "to hell if i don't repent" just about sums it up. So this is a long confession, but the absolution I want will only come from me. Thanks for riding along. God bless.