Foxbarr

I used to grumble so about waiting for the hospital transport after picking up the patient there. Now I wonder when or if we shall go there again. I used to grumble so about Murettes' temper and selfishness, now i would give anything for a good old fashioned row with her. The news is so much worse than I feared. Tom and Maurette both are to lose their legs. FACT. The ones who are must bright in our little dialysis group? Yup, Tom and Murette, and it is helping the  rest of us cope. I am slowly climbing out of this deep black hole because if they can cope, who the hell am I not to, or to refuse to?
 The last blog i wrote I thought Murette might die on route to hospital, and she hasn't left the hospital since. Today she was given a one day home pass to catch up on bills and mail and such. She also has two cats that will go wild if they don't see her soon. She has a bit of family, and she is loved. I have been keeping her in cigarettes, which i believe to my toes is wrong, but when you are so ill, that is not the time to try to quit. Besides, she doesn't want to. SO I fetch for her.What can I do? I love her.
Poor Jim must be nuts by now,as i spent the most time griping about her and vice versa, and now it seems we are best friends. Well, we aren't and if she gets out, after a time she will remember how mean I am, I am sure. When you offer unconditional love, you have to accept them warts and all. Like JIm does me. Smile.
Lately I have come to see JIm doesn't think I love him without conditions. He sees me claim to be a Christian, but make terrible costly mistakes with those I love most. In my disease, I have quit going to church altogether. I have quit talking to God. I have lived like a quitter. I don't have enough energy to do anything, and yet i can't sleep with out pills. I am better than this, but even nature is dark and gray now. I am in a personal drought, and I have to move quickly, because the downward slide is greased. I am going to a ladies night out, and the next day is a BBQ for a 60th birthday. Having something to look forward to really helps.
I know if I called any of the PRFC ladies, we could smack me back into shape, but everyone's life is so happy just now. I went to a leaving-do for my new good friend Heather's daughter (isn't  heather a lovely name? If you had ever seen it , it is tough as nails and so beautiful). That night really helped a bit, then i started another fight with JIm about his weight, or his smoking or both. NO wonder he thinks I don't care. The truth is, I am afraid he will leave me alone. Not by choice, but by health.
OK I am all over the place in this blog, but I have bottled up the words so long they are fighting to get out of me.
I want my life back now. I am ready. I am needed.Thanks for visiting.