When my mother calls, if I don't expect the call, I brace myself. Her brothers and sisters are quite old now, in fact she is quite old. The reason she called yesterday was I had forgotten a promise to call her Wednesday after an x-ray. I think I forgot, because true to the NHS, I hadn't heard anything yet. So we discussed that and a few other things, and I sensed Mom was needing to say more. "well, I have some other news, too".
My mother grew up in a home form hell, but we have talked about this before. After Grandpa was long gone, and his money, (which Gram would argue was her money), two of the children remained the most bitter. The oldest sister, Barbara, and the youngest sister, Charlene. Charlene because she was forced to grow up without a Father. Barbara because she was forced to live in the home with a crazed violent man, and he didn't drink, he was just ugly mean.I can only imagine where he leaned that rage, but i will never know. He beat pretty much whomever he wanted to, especially if they interfered in his beating his wife. He set an example all his sons had to fight in themselves, to varying degrees of success. So whilst the oldest kids wished he would just go away, the youngest resented that he did. And Gram got to be the victim the rest of her life so she was happy.
Once in an attempt to reconcile with her Dad, after Bill and I were pretty much grown up, Grandpa and the second wife were invited to come to visit after a lovely graduation card he sent when Mom sent him my graduation announcement. It was long after the festivities, and he came bearing gifts. Then in the fall when i left for Geneseo, he faithfully wrote me and always included a stamp and a dollar. When Gram heard of this, she let me know on no uncertain terms that it was her money he was sending, and after all those years of no child support. My Gram was so foolish, not to see her safety as a gift from God, and as far as I know, her kids did everything to keep a roof over Gram, Mick and Chary's head. In that sense, they were a family.
My Dad lived in Camden every day of his life. He brought my Mother there to live in 1957. Almost all of his brothers and sisters lived within 5 miles. If left to their own devices i think my parents marriage would have been fairly ok, but two things ruined there marriage right away, one was a fall my Dad took off a scaffolding at work, rumored because the crew was drunk. The second was my Mothers family, who basically moved to Camden with their kids. Some stayed only briefly, and some stayed forever, and in fact are still there. When sober they were a networking system out of this world, and when not, the recriminations would come, each one convinced they had been most hard done by. And the glue that held them all together was Mom.
Hard to imagine her being strong, but she was tough as nails like her Dad. She just didn't put her hands on anyone, except her son.(strangely who is also like her), except without beating his kids. Some of the Delarm children are doing very well, and some aren't, but that is true in every family, I believe.
The news (what a tangent) is that Barbara, the oldest of three girls, is gone to purgatory. She is not alive as she was, nor will she die soon as she always kept herself so healthy. She has advanced dementia. She will be trapped in that body as long as God allows. I do not know what her mental state is in her head, but Mom says she no longer recognizes her husband. And so all the letters must go out today, not condolence letters exactly, but not get well soon ones either. What do you say to your aunts and uncles? Sorry will have to do. Barb kept herself on the other coast all her adult life except for visits. The four oldest left NY never to live there again, for the most part. Oddly Grandpa was closer to them than us as he went to Florida, then to New Mexico where he eventually died. One by one the people who lived through this nightmare are passing. I do not know where the oldest boy Leo even is, but he would be in his late eighties now i think. Uncle Bob had a brief dementia scare, but he was spared that, and seems to be doing well (for his age). As they go, soon no one will be left who lived through, and would like to be able to forget. Believe me,each of them has paid for their sins many times over.
Many people write, but if you are a writer, words are always twirling in your head, and God help me have the right ones now. The end is near, and each generation seems a wee bit better than those who came before. Bills kids probably don't have a clue who these people are, I am not even sure how much they know about me. We must push on, and break the chains of bondage to the past. Not with drugs or booze, not with crazy religious fervor, but with honestly looking at it as it was, and choosing to move on. And we will.
Blessings.
