Come Saturday Morning

OK it is Saturday morning, about 6:30 am and I can't sleep and I can't rest quietly hoping sleep will come. There is no particular reason I can't sleep, but I am pretty excited because I think I have talked the old man into helping me shampoo the rugs. I know that sounds like snoozeville, but if you had seen this place when we moved in you would understand. It was so disgusting I literally cried. I would have refused to take the apartment, but they had stalled and we had come up against the date our former landlords wished to return to live in the maisonette we rented from them. So some friends helped, especially Gavin, bless him, and in we went.Let the cleanings commence, so to speak.
You should know that my health is not the best. I have been a diabetic about 30 years and have pretty much always been able to do anything I wanted in life. Then one day I become middle aged and all that entails and all at once I started gaining weight and eating much less. My kindly doctor explained that at age 50 you do start to get more aches and pains--and 6 months later when i was much worse it was described as my "change". Sadly, I had done all the "changing" I was gonna do at 22 years of age. I had had a 35 lb ovarian tumor removed and that "changed" my life forever.It meant no birth control needed and no babies either. On Mothers Day I tear up a bit but most days I am thankful. I am indestructible though and I survived that and many other things that prove it just wasn't my time to go yet. This was different. 
I went to a party I threw for Jim when he turned 50, and woke up later in the hospital in Paisley. Apparently I had turned to Jim and said I was warm so we went outside. The rest is a blur of things I have no recollection of until I woke up. One of the first things i said when they took the ventilator out won't surprise you. It is what will be printed on my gravestone if i have one, "I 'm sorry."I'm sorry is an all purpose thing i say to excuse my being alive  I think. So anyway, I said I'm sorry. I knew the expense of whatever had happened would break our finances forever.
Jim said, this is not America, there is no charge at POS here, I paid for this all the years i worked and paid taxes. Can you imagine? It was a good thing too because I was in a long while. You should know to me a long while in hospital is two days and the nurses throw a party after I leave. Truly and with good reason they do.
To make an already too long story short, I have kidney failure probably from years of seeing how much I could get away with and still be diabetic. I will save the joys of dialysis for another day. I just want to set the record straight in my mind of where I have been and to where i am headed.I think the old phrase "to hell if i don't repent" just about sums it up. So this is a long confession, but the absolution I want will only come from me. Thanks for riding along. God bless.