Jack

Ok--
My best friend for 40 years, (longer than most marriages) is named Ellen. She is older than I am-yes!-and this weekend she gave her husband of 30 years an eightieth birthday party in my home town area. Sounds wonderful you say? well yes if you never left home.
I live in Scotland.That was my choice, but like most things in life that seem good at the time, you don't see the consequences of your actions or the repercussions to others.


I missed my brothers 50th birthday.
I missed Ellen's cider making party.
I missed my Grandma turning 100(bless her)
I missed celebrating Jack and Ellens 30th anniversary.
I couldn't go when my beloved Aunt Barb was unwell and subsequently died.
Births, deaths, weddings and funerals had to go on without me. Ball games, fireworks, ordinary stuff of life like Christmas and Easter with people who believe in God as I do,it angers me that my whole life is on hold due to dialysis.


I am chained to a machine.Four hours, three times a week every week, for the rest of my life. Transportation time is factored in so it pretty much ruins my day, and though it saves my life sends me home too exhausted for anything more strenuous than a nap, it is a kind of life.Most of the time I am resigned to living on the sunny side of life, but I hate dialysis. I often contemplate quitting,but in my case it would be a type of suicide, and that leads directly to hell in my faith, do not pass go, do not collect your heavenly robes.
Unless you are chronically unwell, you can't imagine the pleasures of being not sick enough to die, not well enough to be independent. You get to listen to auxiliary nurses moan about how hard their job is, and how ungrateful our lot is. Needing something to vent your anger on, you fight about the sandwiches, how cold or too hot the room is, and why is that other patient staring at you?
People look at you funny when you say you don't work, even though every week you look a little bit better than before they knew what was wrong with you. You live a life of constantly adjusting senna to loosen you with diarrhea meds to tighten you back up. You become mortally afraid of laughing or any strong emotion or sneezing as it may lead to what is euphemistically called an "accident", especially in public. Try to have some dignity, let alone mystery and romance in your new marriage. And you fall down like a drunken sailor on permanent shore leave.Oh goody.
Am i having a pity party, you bet. Hands up, you caught me. I am still angry from this morning(see dialysis woes blog), and if i told you what happened when the driver finally did come you wouldn't even believe me. I wish i were a camel so I could spit.
And what comfort from my Bible? my source of hope and serenity?two words, "rejoice always" fir this is the will of the Father regarding you. Thanks Dad. 
God bless.