Ok--
well if not OK, at least closer to normal again. My words are not fully restored, but i can form cohesive thoughts again past, "where is Jim with my drink?".
Want to know a secret? I don't love him totally every day. In fact for three rugby Saturdays in a row I hated him. I am sad to report that the days when he raced home to see me seem over. I know he loves me cause he takes care of me, but sometimes we don't like each other. I can live with that, you know why?
Jim himself taught me that marriage is a bit of a roll. The ups and downs aren't fatal even if they hurt. People fight, and my wish that this marriage be different than the last one nearly wrecked us. For the first time in my life, I trust the man I live with AND I feel safe. We fight to be heard, but not to be the winner. Once I even admitted I was wrong,(but i was mistaken), and i have had to live with that.
For the first time a bully isn't saying to me, "this is my house, adjust or move out."
When Jim refused to get me a cat he said it was that his son had allergies. What i heard was, this is a temporary arrangement , don't get comfortable. When we brought Molly home, I knew he was planning on me being around long term. I breathe better now.
When love is real you will break each others hearts and expectations and that is human, the trick is to find a road back to center. He needs to help out more around the house, and I need to quit name calling when i feel threatened to prove i am not afraid of him. I need to quirt being afraid of him, too, but that would take more consistencies on both our parts. Meanwhile there are some rare moments of bliss, a lot fewer tears, and less drama.
In short we are growing old together, waiting for the grands to be born, and trying to make peace with the world.
Yes I am in love, with my eyes wide open this time, homesick as hell, not for a place, but a family that knows how to have fun. I need my brother, cousins, Aunties and life long friends. I want one more afternoon with my Dad, and I need to let go of the past cause it is hurting my present. Camden is gone, the one I loved, and the memories are keeping me unhappy and unable to make new memories.
My love is real, and the one who loves me is real, and that is enough.
God bless.
well if not OK, at least closer to normal again. My words are not fully restored, but i can form cohesive thoughts again past, "where is Jim with my drink?".
Want to know a secret? I don't love him totally every day. In fact for three rugby Saturdays in a row I hated him. I am sad to report that the days when he raced home to see me seem over. I know he loves me cause he takes care of me, but sometimes we don't like each other. I can live with that, you know why?
Jim himself taught me that marriage is a bit of a roll. The ups and downs aren't fatal even if they hurt. People fight, and my wish that this marriage be different than the last one nearly wrecked us. For the first time in my life, I trust the man I live with AND I feel safe. We fight to be heard, but not to be the winner. Once I even admitted I was wrong,(but i was mistaken), and i have had to live with that.
For the first time a bully isn't saying to me, "this is my house, adjust or move out."
When Jim refused to get me a cat he said it was that his son had allergies. What i heard was, this is a temporary arrangement , don't get comfortable. When we brought Molly home, I knew he was planning on me being around long term. I breathe better now.
When love is real you will break each others hearts and expectations and that is human, the trick is to find a road back to center. He needs to help out more around the house, and I need to quit name calling when i feel threatened to prove i am not afraid of him. I need to quirt being afraid of him, too, but that would take more consistencies on both our parts. Meanwhile there are some rare moments of bliss, a lot fewer tears, and less drama.
In short we are growing old together, waiting for the grands to be born, and trying to make peace with the world.
Yes I am in love, with my eyes wide open this time, homesick as hell, not for a place, but a family that knows how to have fun. I need my brother, cousins, Aunties and life long friends. I want one more afternoon with my Dad, and I need to let go of the past cause it is hurting my present. Camden is gone, the one I loved, and the memories are keeping me unhappy and unable to make new memories.
My love is real, and the one who loves me is real, and that is enough.
God bless.
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