there have been a lot of changes in the last two months and you have walked them alongside of me. I have bad grammar and poor spelling and punctuation. I have deep beliefs, I get angry over things I have no control over. I am human.
Last week I just got damn sick and tired of this dialysis. That's all. More sick of it than i was afraid of dying. I have been ill enough to die many times, starting at age 22 with an ovarian tumor of about 35 pounds. To my British friends thats over 2 stone. Death holds little fear for me. I fear pain, but the dying doesn't intimidate me.
When your enemy doesn't fear death, that makes him dangerous. I at times am the enemy because I am so strong-willed. After JIms 50th birthday bash I had a stroke or seizure of some type. Again I lived. I am indestructible, able to live with kidney failure, though chained to a machine.
Anyway. Friday I told Jim i was going to dialysis so he would go to work. I said it point blank, just like that. He heard what he wanted to hear, that I was going to dialysis. Later that day he gets a call from the hospital saying i was refusing treatment and he as surprised. I do not know at what point he quit believing me when i talk. But htat is a topic for another day.
I can't make myself pick up a phone. My Mom and brother have left messages I can't answer. How could I ever make them understand? It will seem dangerous or stupid to them. It seems that way to me. The shrink put me on sertraline, but i know nothing about it. I do not intend to take it for long. Jim promised me 2 thing if I went back, he would drop 100 pounds and quit smoking. He has had chips every day since then, even when he had other options. I think this is a bet i will win.
Lucky me.
Last week I just got damn sick and tired of this dialysis. That's all. More sick of it than i was afraid of dying. I have been ill enough to die many times, starting at age 22 with an ovarian tumor of about 35 pounds. To my British friends thats over 2 stone. Death holds little fear for me. I fear pain, but the dying doesn't intimidate me.
When your enemy doesn't fear death, that makes him dangerous. I at times am the enemy because I am so strong-willed. After JIms 50th birthday bash I had a stroke or seizure of some type. Again I lived. I am indestructible, able to live with kidney failure, though chained to a machine.
Anyway. Friday I told Jim i was going to dialysis so he would go to work. I said it point blank, just like that. He heard what he wanted to hear, that I was going to dialysis. Later that day he gets a call from the hospital saying i was refusing treatment and he as surprised. I do not know at what point he quit believing me when i talk. But htat is a topic for another day.
I can't make myself pick up a phone. My Mom and brother have left messages I can't answer. How could I ever make them understand? It will seem dangerous or stupid to them. It seems that way to me. The shrink put me on sertraline, but i know nothing about it. I do not intend to take it for long. Jim promised me 2 thing if I went back, he would drop 100 pounds and quit smoking. He has had chips every day since then, even when he had other options. I think this is a bet i will win.
Lucky me.
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