this would have been my Dad's birthday. It was always close to Father's Day, one week later it is Uncle Jerry's birthday. Of all the family he had, they were the closest. Hands down. David being our age seemed more like a son to them than their wee brother. So Barbie, David and I entered Mrs. Coniff's kindergarten class. We all lived within a few houses, and we played together constantly.
I had a hard time adjusting to kindergarten cause other kids kept trying to play with David or Barbie. I didn't mind sharing a teacher with them, but they weren't gonna get into my family.
Needless to say, we were never in the same classes again. We all made other friends, and we adjusted in time. In later years, it became funny, in an odd way, that i would learn all day long and then come home and Dad would reedumacate me. I had no idea that now some 40 years later,teachers bemoan the fact that parents don't pass on their values to their children about what they learn. Every night about 4:30 Dad and Mom got home from work in McConnellsville, first Mom made dinner, and Dad hit the showers. Even if he were going to work on the lawn or in the garage later, my Dad came to the table with a shower and a clean shirt. We would all meet at the dinner table. Mom and Dad would talk about their day. Then our dinner table became a kind of podium for conversation. Eventually my brother and I got old enough to talk about the things they were talking about too.
Mom and Billy got bored pretty fast, but Dad and I began a series of debates that lasted long after the other two had left home. They even continued after I left home, until the new family he took in made conversation impossible with their dramas. As I went through his things after he died, I found some things that gave me a glimpse into my Dad, both in good and bad ways.
See I was a late bloomer. I never married until almost 30. I knew I was ok, and that someday someone would love me. I didn't panic and when i told my mother that it looked like I would never marry after all, I was married within a year.
But apparently my college education worried Dad. I took a literature courses called Women ON Women's condition. It was pretty stupid as courses go, but I had learned by then to trust the teacher and not the ad in the catalog. The point of telling you this is, one of those books "sisterhood is powerful" had both straight and lesbian authors. I think Dad hid that book in his dresser drawers as if he thought he could keep that out of his house if he hid the source. Poor Dad. Although I couldn't attract many, I sure did like the boys.
Of all the things we shared, if only he could have asked me if I were gay, I could have put his mind to rest. Maybe he was afraid of what he would have to say if his fears were realized.It was better not knowing. I was so angry at the way Dad judged me sometimes, because many facts were kept from him for his own good. Now i realize I never told him what i feared about him. I never told him i wish i could share everything, but I was afraid he would go to jail and it would be on me.
Now, looking back, it was all so foolish. I am repeating the cycle with JIm sometimes. I either clam up entirely, or talk about trivia to protect myself from his reaction to what I am feeling. Slowly he is teaching me that couples fight, and that it is ok. In my family we change partners so often I didn't realize you can forgive and move on. Knowing Jim will stay has taught me to be careful what I say, as I will have to take it back cause he will come home when he cools off. Life is weird. When that is your norm, you think your way is right and others can still surprise you. My favorite thing Jim says is, "surely you knew the reaction you would get from saying that." If he only knew what i think he would know i don't have a clue.
Blessings.
I had a hard time adjusting to kindergarten cause other kids kept trying to play with David or Barbie. I didn't mind sharing a teacher with them, but they weren't gonna get into my family.
Needless to say, we were never in the same classes again. We all made other friends, and we adjusted in time. In later years, it became funny, in an odd way, that i would learn all day long and then come home and Dad would reedumacate me. I had no idea that now some 40 years later,teachers bemoan the fact that parents don't pass on their values to their children about what they learn. Every night about 4:30 Dad and Mom got home from work in McConnellsville, first Mom made dinner, and Dad hit the showers. Even if he were going to work on the lawn or in the garage later, my Dad came to the table with a shower and a clean shirt. We would all meet at the dinner table. Mom and Dad would talk about their day. Then our dinner table became a kind of podium for conversation. Eventually my brother and I got old enough to talk about the things they were talking about too.
Mom and Billy got bored pretty fast, but Dad and I began a series of debates that lasted long after the other two had left home. They even continued after I left home, until the new family he took in made conversation impossible with their dramas. As I went through his things after he died, I found some things that gave me a glimpse into my Dad, both in good and bad ways.
See I was a late bloomer. I never married until almost 30. I knew I was ok, and that someday someone would love me. I didn't panic and when i told my mother that it looked like I would never marry after all, I was married within a year.
But apparently my college education worried Dad. I took a literature courses called Women ON Women's condition. It was pretty stupid as courses go, but I had learned by then to trust the teacher and not the ad in the catalog. The point of telling you this is, one of those books "sisterhood is powerful" had both straight and lesbian authors. I think Dad hid that book in his dresser drawers as if he thought he could keep that out of his house if he hid the source. Poor Dad. Although I couldn't attract many, I sure did like the boys.
Of all the things we shared, if only he could have asked me if I were gay, I could have put his mind to rest. Maybe he was afraid of what he would have to say if his fears were realized.It was better not knowing. I was so angry at the way Dad judged me sometimes, because many facts were kept from him for his own good. Now i realize I never told him what i feared about him. I never told him i wish i could share everything, but I was afraid he would go to jail and it would be on me.
Now, looking back, it was all so foolish. I am repeating the cycle with JIm sometimes. I either clam up entirely, or talk about trivia to protect myself from his reaction to what I am feeling. Slowly he is teaching me that couples fight, and that it is ok. In my family we change partners so often I didn't realize you can forgive and move on. Knowing Jim will stay has taught me to be careful what I say, as I will have to take it back cause he will come home when he cools off. Life is weird. When that is your norm, you think your way is right and others can still surprise you. My favorite thing Jim says is, "surely you knew the reaction you would get from saying that." If he only knew what i think he would know i don't have a clue.
Blessings.
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