To those of you who read my blog and have said you miss it, no one misses it more than me. I just write and delete a million times, because everything seems so said already. Or worse yet, i try to take prisoners down into this depression. My house and my life have gotten away from me, and now my words have fled too.
I have a friend named Zane whom i have mentioned here before. He has many times said the right thing at the right time and never even knew it. If you saw him, without his family, you could be terrified. When i first met him i just stared. He got a part in a zombie movie and it wasn't a huge stretch that he would be believable. On top of that, he pummels his body with martial arts and rugby etc.
Well someone from the rugby club died suddenly at age 26 and I just wanted to come to my Gram and cry my guts out. Impossible.I accept that.
I read something Zane posted and he also included the song "everybody hurts sometime." I feel better already.It is perfectly acceptable to feel what we feel. I am angry about so many things, but being little Suzy Christian i thought i had to pretend all was well. I am so angry because every decade of my life, no matter what else was happening, had a special gift although sometimes i had to search for it. I feel bad for his family, i feel bad for the club fellas, I feel bad for myself. So many times I see death as a way out of this medical nightmare for me. When i go down that road i can't see it hurting anyone, and I convince myself Jim , Bill, and my boys would be better off. Through Zane's words, I saw how much the anguish never leaves the survivors, and although i wish Craig great peace, \i also wish peace to those who Monday have to go back to work or school and carry on. It is what we do, a moment of silence, maybe a prayer, a few good thoughts, some memories shared and boom, we move on.
Life goes on, it has to, and thank God we all have kids and jobs and reasons to get up tomorrow. We can tread slowly for awhile and recoup, but then we must pick up the pieces of our own daily walk. Where was God I am tempted to ask, or why didnt anyone sense something, when in deed and in fact it is all up to the person and a choice. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
We loved Craig, and the others, but for one moment too long, they forgot. There is really nothing more to say. The pain can be more than we think we can stand, and if i ever think that again i will ask Zane to be my personal trainer, and show me what pain really is. Zane i am so glad i know you, you found me a wonderful church i love, and you gave me level headed words to go back and rethink my previous concrete ideas about right and wrong.
Think of my boys today at prfc, and remember to tell those you love that you do love them, and not just because of some valentines Day.
OK that is all i have, and it is all my heart.
I have a friend named Zane whom i have mentioned here before. He has many times said the right thing at the right time and never even knew it. If you saw him, without his family, you could be terrified. When i first met him i just stared. He got a part in a zombie movie and it wasn't a huge stretch that he would be believable. On top of that, he pummels his body with martial arts and rugby etc.
Well someone from the rugby club died suddenly at age 26 and I just wanted to come to my Gram and cry my guts out. Impossible.I accept that.
I read something Zane posted and he also included the song "everybody hurts sometime." I feel better already.It is perfectly acceptable to feel what we feel. I am angry about so many things, but being little Suzy Christian i thought i had to pretend all was well. I am so angry because every decade of my life, no matter what else was happening, had a special gift although sometimes i had to search for it. I feel bad for his family, i feel bad for the club fellas, I feel bad for myself. So many times I see death as a way out of this medical nightmare for me. When i go down that road i can't see it hurting anyone, and I convince myself Jim , Bill, and my boys would be better off. Through Zane's words, I saw how much the anguish never leaves the survivors, and although i wish Craig great peace, \i also wish peace to those who Monday have to go back to work or school and carry on. It is what we do, a moment of silence, maybe a prayer, a few good thoughts, some memories shared and boom, we move on.
Life goes on, it has to, and thank God we all have kids and jobs and reasons to get up tomorrow. We can tread slowly for awhile and recoup, but then we must pick up the pieces of our own daily walk. Where was God I am tempted to ask, or why didnt anyone sense something, when in deed and in fact it is all up to the person and a choice. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
We loved Craig, and the others, but for one moment too long, they forgot. There is really nothing more to say. The pain can be more than we think we can stand, and if i ever think that again i will ask Zane to be my personal trainer, and show me what pain really is. Zane i am so glad i know you, you found me a wonderful church i love, and you gave me level headed words to go back and rethink my previous concrete ideas about right and wrong.
Think of my boys today at prfc, and remember to tell those you love that you do love them, and not just because of some valentines Day.
OK that is all i have, and it is all my heart.
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