9000th viewing

I recently quit wrote my elders to explain why i had not been going to my new found church. I am sick, a lot and i feared they would worry i was unwell, which happily is untrue. I will always be sickly, but i am plenty healthy enough to attend church should i so desire.
I played a lot of games in my head as to the why I was playing hooky, but after looking at it from a few angles(trying to place the blame somewhere else) no matter it is no longer about what first annoyed me, not to attend is a choice, and one that I regret bitterly.

In addition I have been really feeling well enough to attack my house a bit more, so I am not blogging or Face Booking as much. The upside to blogging is it gives me an outlet to all the thoughts that buzz around in my head, and without blogging the whispers and tapes start rolling again. I was once told that I was so stupid I stank. I was once told I was a God-send. I was once told I was just mean. In school, people with no self-respect called me tank. It made me different because I was fat, and because I had a brain.

The only person who mattered to me growing up was Chucky. He said I was alright, and so I knew I was. His Mom was my babysitter and she lavished love and attention on all of us kids, not just her own. I miss her to this day, and many things have come up I wish I could talk over with her.

As Fall approaches I am a bit homesick for the apple-picking and making grape fruit wreaths after the grapes were picked. I miss popcorn and cider made at the Stoltz residence. A lot of my best memories are at Ellen's with no kids or men around. Jack liked when I came because I would pitch in. I could clean and Ellen could cook and Jack seemed please we spent time together. Plus, Ellen had a modern dishwasher, can you imagine?

I sometimes get mad at her family for how they treat her, but she puts up with it and seems happy with Jack so I don't push it. I have yet to meet the man who just chips in without suggestion, although my illness has made Jim more essential than I would have liked. I do not like knowing I would be sunk if Jim left me, so I comfort myself hoping ot would be somewhat hard for him too. It is so hard to trust someone would be here because they love me, so I foolishly keep trying to win the man I already have. Re-reading that last sentence sounds crazy to me, too .
Well, I am hoping to get to Murettes house to visit this weekend, and to get my fat butt to church Sunday. Time to face the music before they really do forget me. Thanks for your prayers for Murette, she is coming along great, and is home already from the ward. She doesnt ride with us any longer, as she requires a two-man ambulance the now. I am (yes I know) kinda missing her. Oh well, more news as soon as I make some. Bye for now and blessings.

this marks my 9000th post read.

I live in a land that after the Dunblane tragedy, the people decided to voluntarily give up most of their guns. This was poignantly brought home today when two policewoman, responding to a domestic burglary report were assassinated and then a grenade was thrown at them. After a while the fellow turned himself in, and come to find out was wanted already for some previous murders allegedly. He was at least a person of interest in previous grenade toting crimes.

Now do i think America is foolish for all their gun toting weirdos> You bet I do. But tonight I wonder about a land where police can be killed with no thought of capital punishment. At the very least, I think guns are appropriate for domestic calls, because the fellow today lured the cops to where he was with a false report of a crime. This shows a level of premeditation, and so the eternal dilemma begins. DO I really believe in fewer guns out there? and what if me or mine are assaulted with gun crime?

IN my home nation, i think there are tougher penalties for killing a police dog than the man who killed these women will get. I am honest enough to say no sentence will bring the women back, but you can't only have gun control when it suits you. You either have iit, and live with the repercussions, o we become another America, where their children are mowed down like grass in school and playgrounds. Having said all this, no gun the carried would have stopped a grenade lobbed at them, either. We mourn with the Police force tonight and support the many who risk their lives so I can be safe within my home. I pray there is a hell tonight, so that Karma can do what our legal system cannot.

Blessings, especially to the families left behind in this tragedy.

Sad September

This morning as I was dressing I noticed something new to me. The last few letters in September spell ember. To me ember implies heat, and September is when Dad always brought home the wood he had chopped all summer. He would try when possible to use wood that was already down, although being dried
it was harder to chop. My dad taught me the old saw, chopping wood warms you twice. It is when we got a winter deposit of fuel to back up cold days when Dad was at work and the fire went out.

If I had it to do again, I wish I had filled the wood box more often. I wish I had done something nice for him for all those nights he had to get out of a warm bed and go down  to the cold manky basement to get wood for the firebox Bill and I never filled. If Dad had lived till I was a parent I think he would have seen me finally mature a bit. But wishes aren't actions and i was a selfish kid. I wanted fire and i didn't want to help get it.

I often wonder why Dad loved Mom and us so, he was constantly nagged and called names, and we did not have compassion because we had never loved someone so flawed. Now i am with JIm I can see how you can love and dislike someone sometimes at the same time. My head can hold those two incongruous thoughts. Or maybe I am the looney.

I miss my Dad. I used to miss him as my hero, now I know he was very human, and somehow i love him even more. But I wasted a lot of chances to see him that I wish I had taken. Don't be like me. Give the old man a call. He may one day have a home he can't take calls in. I used to hope there was a heaven so I could go there. Now i pray there is one so my Dad is reunited with his brothers, and happily waiting.
Blessings.

Homely on the Range

Aren't words funny things? If you called an American homely, they would probably punch you, (we say homely as a hedgehog, so they must be very ugly!) but here in Scotland it means warm and cozy, as in a homely home. If words didn't fail us so often across borders, we probably would have much fewer disputes and wars. Now on the other hand, the romance languages-based on a lot of Roman words like Italian, French, Spanish and Portuguese have words so similar that if you were fluent in any of them you could probably get the gist of most conversations. 

If that weren't confusing enough, many people invent words, either to make a line rhyme in poetry, or there is a new invention that needs naming, or lovers who want a language only they understand. The Bible says at one time mankind had language, and it was common enough they were gonna build some kind of tower. I won't get into the politics of it, but suffice it to say God confused the languages so much that in frustration they gave up on the tower.

Interestingly enough, on the day of Pentecost, there were many people in the city from all over the world at that time. Imagine all the languages and dialects you would hear as you walked the streets of Jerusalem? When the Holy Spirit comes down on the Christians what does God do? He gets his message preached, but not in Latin, which most would need to know to conduct business in the city, but each man hears the gospel message in his own words.

Despite all the shepherd and sheep images, another common name for  Jesus is "the Word" and He was Gods way of saying despite Adams flaws, we could be united with God forever. That is why the Bible was sometimes called the "Good News".
Blessings. Have a great Day. Think about some of your words.

September 11, 2012

Ten years ago today, I announced to my work that I would be leaving in the fall to go to Scotland. I felt I should give them time to train my replacement, and that it was the right thing to do. They promptly fired me. I guess I wasn't as hard to replace as I thought. In the days that followed,i came to question the wisdom of being so far from home when the "war on terror" was about to erupt. As many of you know, i second-guess every decision I ever made. My police type relations said "for all you know he may be an ax-murderer." I think my Mom just worried if I got into trouble I would be too far away to help me.

I wanted a new life. More than my little chicken heart was afraid of change, I needed a second chance. Have you ever felt that way? I just wanted to go back to GO and start over. I wanted a chance to be happy. I wanted more than that, to get away from "the people who loved me". After my divorce I could not see the forest for the trees. I felt lost and afraid. How could anyone leave someone as wonderful as me? I was about 44, not that good looking, and more than a little overweight. Oh, and Jim loved me.

Not with blinders on, but knew me inside and out as much as you can know someone you haven't lived with yet, and wanted to marry me anyway. SO after negotiations the Kremlin would be proud of, Jim helped me sell up and walk on that plane. Mom and Ellen surprised me at the airport, and Jim surprised me  at the other airport because he had cut his hair so short i didn't recognize him. And what was the catalyst for all this change? Fred dumping me. I am so afraid of change I would have stayed with him forever. Plus I had this weirdo idea of Gods opinion of marriage. SO in a weird kinda way, Fred set me free to be this happy in the second half of my marriage. We quarrel and all, we are very emotional people, but I appreciate being with someone who can put thoughts together. I wish sometimes I could control those thoughts a little, but I can't and even though he doesnt believe in the "God" he allows me to do anyone thing i feel i need to to be happy.

One thing we learned, life is short, and we prefer to be happy. So we are. Thanks for listening.

Well done Andy Murray.

A storm is Brewing...a study in fear...

Scotland had its first hurricane this year, and as I write this East Coast as far as NY is getting slammed. I was trying to count all my family in NY still, and the number is amazing. Not to mention Marguerite and Ellen Sue who were the sisters I never had. I graduated with 205 and i bet at least half of them are in NY somewhere.

Elisa and her family are in NYC, and Billy is in Goveneur, so we have the whole state covered with our family. I am praying tonight that all of you are safe and well, and as Jean said, "no news is good news".

Jeff and Debbie are in Central NY as well as Deb and Patty Sue. I have to stop naming them because I am gonna cry. I left Camden, but i never left them in my heart. Uncle David and Aunt Jennifer and Barbie are in CNY as well. Oh Lord watch over my little family, and let them know how much i love them.

My Dad was very calm and at times like this i miss him most.

Talk to you soon. Take no chances with your safety.

Blessings.

Brian and Michele Farmer

here is a small portion of an update from Michele on Brian's surgeries.


Wow, what a week this has been, the only word to describe it is EXHAUSTING. As many of you know Brian went back in the hospital last Wednesday and had emergency surgery on Sunday for a blood-clot and hematoma in his left leg. There was a “wound vac” placed on his leg, which still remains. He was released last night around 2345 hours (11:45 p.m.) and we are now back home. Yipee!!!

Michele goes on to describe the treatments Brian will need in his battle with Cancer. PLease pray his kidney can withstand the cancer treatments and that his leg heals. Michele like me, found her true love a wee bit later in life and they deserve many more years to be happy together.

They are strong and have a strong family of support in their kids so all will be well. Having said that, prayer is always the first ,best thing we can do.

Those of you who may not pray, send special thoughts and join in our spirit of healing and recovery. I am dying to see them old on a porch rocking one day.

Thanks and blessings.

A study in Sloth, citing my own experience as example...

Hello

last night i also slept through the night once i got to bed.As a result we both we up before 530 am and i could get right on a few bedroom chores. i ran the hoover, dusted with my shiny new pink duster, and started a nice wee dinner for two. I just need Mr 2 to come home some time.

For a treat to me, I watched an hour of Ponderosa and then Judge Judy
which was boring until they had an earthquake whilst taping the show. It seems weird to be able to walk around, as most mornings i am chained to a dialysis chair and ts machine. I have a friend who has asked for prayer. His name is Galen and he is a nice man. Please do not forget. I will talk more about him at a later date. I just have no energy today, and a nap sounds lovely.

Also pray for my friend Mrs P, she needs a new house before she kills the neighbors...or vice versa. A lot of my friends need prayer just now. J wants a baby, A wants a wife, we all want something. I want to sleep for about a week lol.

Have a great Thursday
blessings

A Study in Mortality

People named Jim have always had a special place in my heart, in fact, I married one. Monday I saw my friend Jim, from BOW in the renal unit. He also dialyzed in my group. I almost woke him up to say I would see him Wednesday, but he looked so serene asleep in the chair I did not have the heart. We have had many talks and I knew we would have many more so I toddled off down the hall to meet my ride home.

We are a group of ten, and it would be hard to find ten more different people. I liked Jim, because like me he had done a lot of interesting jobs and had seen a fair bit of the world. We talked also about the kids, and found a mutual interest in BMX bike racing. His pride in describing his son and his accomplishments was evident.  Apparently some time Monday Jim fell at home and was transported to the hospital. We lost Jim last night. He was only 50 years old, and although dialysis is supposed to make you feel much better, Jim did not receive the hoped-for benefits. I can still see his face so puffy and his eyes nearly swelled shut. That is not how i remember him though, i will remember him telling about his "wingding" they had at his house for new years. I will remember he was kind and caring. I will remember he loved his family to bits. I will not forget him, he is carved on my heart.

Blessings to his family, sorry for the loss. Gone way too soon.

A study in Confusion

The source I use to blog from has left me a new message. I am perfectly happy with the site, and i understand how to use it. It aint broke so they fixed it with a new interface. I do not even know what that means. So again we will visit today and i hope this is not my last post,(no pun intended to my rugby friends who frequent there!).

I think I have been in denial about my health all summer. I am not getting better, I am not even maintaining the same place. The floaters are back in one eye, and when the nurses sent blood work away Monday they said it was fine. Well fine has had me in bed by 6:30 Sunday night, and fine had me up every two hours or so all last night, even though i was in bed before 9 and i slept until nine this morning.
Fine was 3 showers Sunday night and one complete bed change. Fine was a good day ruined by a bad night. JIm does not get to decide when he can rest, because when he hears me call out "Jim", he knows he has to come. Every time, over and over, world with out end.

Last night as part of our new lifestyle (diet) we spent an hour doing housework. If you do it right, it is great exercise, and it gets the old lady off your back. I think it is getting close to time for me to admit I need a kidney, and its not alright and to get on the list. To at least get on the list. To not be on it these last three years was pure denial of how serious things were. It is not a phase or a cold i will overcome. It is slow, chronic, forever, and it will eventually take me out. All my surgical fears have to be put aside. If it is meant to be, I have to get out of the way. I have to start the process rolling. I need a new interface with my renal team. Dr Patty is't gonna cut it, we need a DR who will attend, not just talk to the nurses on our behalf. I don't want to end up on the ward to get to see him. I deserve better.
Sorry about being down today. Come back tomorrow.

A Study in Burnt Butter Sauce

Today, on a whim , bored at the local Morrison fare I decided to try "something new". I bought a package of pre-made pumpkin raviolis. All i will need to do is boil them in water, and dinner will be done. Well. Now for an appropriate sauce, as tomato and basil do not scream out pumpkin to me. My delicate ravioli will disappear in that tomato trap.
So i went on Google Chrome and asked for sauce recipes. When Jim gets home, our house smells of olive oil, butter, sage spinach and mushrooms. Each light taste will compliment the pasta and blend well together. 
Then I made a salad of spinach, chard, spring onions and when slicing the spring onion (scallions to the across the ponders) I did not have the heart to throw the dark green bits away so they are also sauteing in the sauce.Yummy.
Frying sage is a unique smell, and now I understand why my native american friends burn sage. It changes the whole atmosphere of my kitchen. And while I am on the subject, one thing most UK kitchens seem to lack is a kitchen table. It was so important in my house growing up. We ate as a family at it, we did homework at it, we had "those talks" when sitting there. When your Mom works out her time is so limited, so at the very least we could sit and watch her make dinner, or whatever she was doing. My earlier chores were to set it, then i got to do the dishes off it, and eventually I got to prepare some of the food that went on it. On holidays i would clean and stuff celery with creme cheese, or butter bread, or place extra chairs around it. I remember it was round and many of my happiest home memories come from that very table.
Now at my own house we eat on our laps, and I use a tv tray because I am clumsy, but i long for a family around a table. It just seems cozy and a good discussion opener. Aww the good old days. I long for my family, all gazillion of my cousins, and their parents and kids. I wonder if we would all fit in one house together. I wonder if we will ever try.
If there is no ocean between you and your family I hope you gather together and give your kids memories. Mine do not have the wealth of cousins I had, nor do they have strong ties to Aunts and Uncles. Although I did not appreciate it at the time, both my parents come from large families and I had plenty of friends to play with at family reunions. Uncle David, Michele, Barbie, Bill Brazie and the Conley sisters Suzanne and Christine were my favoritest, (yes i did make up that word)but I have cousins I have never even met, and they had kids, and they had kids...
And from another Mother, Ellen, the girl my Mom always wished i had been and Marguerite were grafted in because I had no sisters of my own. I had a rich life full of friends. I hope they all know how much i loved them then, and cherish them now.
They are my blessings.