Sunday I had my annual fight with God about Motherhood. All I ever wanted in my life was a family. The one He gave me as a baby was "troubled" in the sense Ireland had troubles. Having survived that, I went away to college and had "troubles". Leaving college I had health troubles in the shape of a 35 pound ovarian tumor. At age 22 my fate was sealed, and motherhood was not an option for me. By age 50 I had accepted that truth, and quit trying.
I met a man I married, for a lot of good reasons, but the most honest one was how he spoke to my Mother. She just could not bully or control him, so I was smitten. He needed mothering, but I got him already as damaged as I was from our earliest home life. Those troubles resulted in a divorce, which not only cut me adrift, but convinced me that my last chance for love was gone. As we sat in his lawyers office, I negotiated a life until January 1st, a date i had determined to kill myself by. To this day I could not give you a good reason why i didnt go through with it, but seeing that now i landed in the marriage I always should have had, I am glad to be here.
After the divorce I broke almost every one of my own moral codes, and I became for a time someone I didn't know. Then, the same week the divorce came through was the date of September 11th. The ladies in my building did not know i had been dumped, and seeing me cry so many days in a row, I assumed I lost a very close friend or relative in the towers. These were dark days indeed.
SO anyhoo, you can imagine Mothering Sunday is a hard day for me, for a lot of reasons. I have no kids of my own, and i knew i never would. I woke up angry and bitter and I would not go to church. I sure did not want a sermon on how wonderful Mothers are nor advice on how to care for my own Mum. Sitting there in my pity party, Jims son called and I was annoyed because he was gonna wreck some plans we had for the day.I love Mark, but i wanted to go away with JIm for the day and have peace. Well, guess what? Mark showed up with a huge bouquet of flowers with a butterfly in the center of them. That simple act of love and the chat we had that afternoon, turned my whole day around.
See I am an old softie, show me a wee bit of love, and I can go on for days. Mark let me know he has a Mother he loves, but that he has a place in his heart for me too, and I am special to him, not just because I married his Dad. My brother Bill and Mark are gifts from God when the times get too dark, and i fall into my self-pitying depression. It is good to be here. It is better to be loved. That makes us all immortal.
Blessings
I met a man I married, for a lot of good reasons, but the most honest one was how he spoke to my Mother. She just could not bully or control him, so I was smitten. He needed mothering, but I got him already as damaged as I was from our earliest home life. Those troubles resulted in a divorce, which not only cut me adrift, but convinced me that my last chance for love was gone. As we sat in his lawyers office, I negotiated a life until January 1st, a date i had determined to kill myself by. To this day I could not give you a good reason why i didnt go through with it, but seeing that now i landed in the marriage I always should have had, I am glad to be here.
After the divorce I broke almost every one of my own moral codes, and I became for a time someone I didn't know. Then, the same week the divorce came through was the date of September 11th. The ladies in my building did not know i had been dumped, and seeing me cry so many days in a row, I assumed I lost a very close friend or relative in the towers. These were dark days indeed.
SO anyhoo, you can imagine Mothering Sunday is a hard day for me, for a lot of reasons. I have no kids of my own, and i knew i never would. I woke up angry and bitter and I would not go to church. I sure did not want a sermon on how wonderful Mothers are nor advice on how to care for my own Mum. Sitting there in my pity party, Jims son called and I was annoyed because he was gonna wreck some plans we had for the day.I love Mark, but i wanted to go away with JIm for the day and have peace. Well, guess what? Mark showed up with a huge bouquet of flowers with a butterfly in the center of them. That simple act of love and the chat we had that afternoon, turned my whole day around.
See I am an old softie, show me a wee bit of love, and I can go on for days. Mark let me know he has a Mother he loves, but that he has a place in his heart for me too, and I am special to him, not just because I married his Dad. My brother Bill and Mark are gifts from God when the times get too dark, and i fall into my self-pitying depression. It is good to be here. It is better to be loved. That makes us all immortal.
Blessings
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