September 11,2001

I am having a hard time addressing this topic. I am not watching the television specials, I am not talking about it with friends, I am not looking at some hard choices I have made in my life since that terrible day. SO, I am not sleeping, I am passing out from exhaustion, and i am drinking fluids like a fish. I can't sit in a chair without sleeping for a few minutes. I sleep in about three hour sprints, and I am so curled up in  a ball sleeping that I wake up with a sore back.
My mother recently tried to tell me not to mention our past anymore because we have all moved on to new marriages and lives. She sees me exploring the past as dragging out a time we didn't like each other, or we told mean jokes about her. The sad thing is, they weren't jokes. we used to describe to people some of the things she had done, and although they may seem funny now, they do not paint my extended family on her side in the best light.
We were helpless and powerless then , and now we are adults, some members of my family are bravely peeking over the parapet to see if we older kids made it out ok, then they are adding their stories, and I just want to say to my aunts and uncles that every family has scandal, healthy ones talk about them and then they lose their stranglehold on your future.
I held so many things in as a child, that I soon  stopped trusting even people who i should trust. My teachers were cowards, and going to the guidance counselor for help was a total waste of time. Once when Mr Parker went home from school and killed himself, I knew and tucked away a solution for when things got to hard. He had been the most together person I had ever met, he was brighter than the locals, and he was witty and as excited about history as he made us. I knew then, things would never conquer me, and I had a back door of escape. Once a very young girl in my village became pregnant, and my family was gossiping about it, and having heard it, i repeated it too. My mother was so angry, i swallowed finger nail polish to try to hurt myself. Don't ever do that, it doesn't kill you and it burns like crazy, then every time you puke it burns again. Luckily for me I had forgotten all my Dads guns behind the bedroom door. Lucky for us all. I had no idea what dead was,but i feared it less than the bickering and endless name calling between my parents. Now Mom says wistfully, we had some good times, right? As if by outliving Dad she earned the right to rewrite history.In all fairness, we had a better life than my parents did at home as they were raised in huge crowds, and in my mothers case, horrible, horrific abuse. So Bill and I are a bit kinder than they, and they were kinder than what they had. Hopefully my nephews will have had enough love to break these terrible invisible chains we wear like a Jacob Marley affair.
I pray it is not too late. Well in my tangent, i still have not examined 9/11, and maybe it is for the best. Maybe Mom is right.Just pretend it didn't happen.
Blessings.

What if you gave a war, and no one came?

ok
I didn't really give a war, but after an absence last week i went to church a half hour early, as I had a lot of thinking to do.I like the quiet atmosphere with the light musical practice going on in the background. Also, unlike some people I live with, if I am home i  feel i should be accomplishing something. I even asked JIm to pick up some biscuits (cookies for my american friends) to bring along as no one ever asks me to contribute to  the teas and coffees hour. We even had time to go to a quick McDonald's breakfast and still got there before ten a.m.
Imagine my surprise when no one was there. In fact, the mail had not been picked up either. Another family came, and they also had missed last week, so we determined further waiting as futile. Next we went to the PRFC, because i owe Alison money for a charity run her sons did, and yes you guessed it, we waited around reading the paper but no one appeared.
Whilst reading the Sunday Herald, i saw a review of a place in North Berwick called The Lobster Shack, but I knew it was too late in the day to start out for a place so far away, and besides i didn't know how to eat lobster, actually. To my surprise, Jim went for it and we were off. The weather was perfect, the ride was lovely, and i was so relaxed i slept a bit of the way there and home.
The Lobster Shack is right on the harbor, but it is an inconvenient place to park. I have trouble with broken pavement as you know, but I was helped by a good railing and JIms steadying arm. We both got a half lobster, and it had been grilled and was muy bueno. Jim admittedly figured out how to eat it properly, but it was juicy and sweet and lovely. In addition there was a salad i didn't touch, and french fries i gobbled. Hand cut and tasty, crisp and vinegary (we added that).
On the way home we needed petrol (gas) so we forced ourselves to get an ice cream on a stick. Then on the way i spotted a farm store. We bought the most juicy plums and they were so ripe, can't wait for them later as a treat. Then we went to Dobbies outside Lasswade , Edinburgh and bought a cheese knife with two thicknesses.
JIm got a nasty wasp sting Friday, and I shut my hand in the door of the car, but other than that our anniversary was wonderful. The whole weekend was wonderful, I know because i am exhausted. I will sleep well tonight and probably tomorrow too. I hope your weekend was as nice as mine.
Blessings

Cheesy fries my butt

Whitecraigs you should be honored, because knowing it is my anniversary I thought I would have company all day. I did go out for breakfast, and shopping at tesco's, but we bought our cards for each other at the same time, same store, same aisle. I think the robust lusty nature of love may be gone, but i thought my company would be more fun than a rugby game(and cheesy fries). You boys better win, because i invested a lot in this day.
For appetizers we are having cheese , olives and crackers of multi grain type. For mains it is pollo con patatas. Mi esposo adora ep puree de papa. There if you can read that, that is Jims dinner.
For pudding i was gonna make a nice cool lemon jellly, but i have Ben & jerrys and he likes that. 
So here we go again, another year, and that makes seven. I am getting nervous over timing things, and i am not good at telling when things are done since the smoke detector died.(jk)

Happy Anniversary to my best friend

Hello everyone. It is almost 3 a.m.Jim is happily snoring away after a bad wasp sting in the neck at work today. We had a quiet night tonight so I could watch him for signs of reaction to the sting,but happily there were none.
Today is my wedding anniversary. Yes it is wonderful, we have beaten the statistics so far. We were so alone that day at the registrars, no family at all, and Jim's boss Chris was his best man, and my boss Carole was my maid of honor. My friends from the writers group showed up at kickos for a coffee and cake reception. Everyone I loved in Scotland was there. My new little family, but JIm had only me. 
It has kinda been that way ever since. Those early days forced us to bond quicker than couples who are allowed to date and get to know one another. We had been courting on the internet. We really didn't know a thing about each other, except that we could never be apart again.
We both were looking for love when we met, both so lonely and longing for our other half. I had no idea the twists and turns ahead, but honestly, to be with Jim i would have come anyway. My dearest cousin is a police officer, and she said he might be an axe murderer.
My whole family was so screwed up, and now it seems the three of us have that person we were waiting for. Life still has bumps, but we all have someone to lessen the blows for us, and walk through the dark days together. Jim is a guy and all, so he can't say mushy things, but he is the man i thought i would never find. And then he was mine.I made a dream, and he came true. Us, safe, one.
Always.

OK where do i want to go on holiday next year?

Hello my little munchkins. Jim did a million chores for me when he got home tonight, so if he was a bit late to the club forgive me. he just whipped right through my honey-do list. It was 3enough to last all day if i had been able to do it, but he got it sorted snappish and had some dinner with me.
Yes, for those of you paying attention i kept food down today. Down and in. No real accidents, except my shoe came untied and i kept tripping over it instead of kicking it off. 
Jim has introdused me to a new(to us) singer called Mary Black. Every song i have heard so far is my favorite. Prolly will end up being FLESH AND BLOOD, but we shall see.
Speaking of new music--Tom Urie has a cd on pre-order. Sounds like a great gift for the upcoming holidays. I think he is Bob on riverdale or riverdance or something. The clips he has posted on FB are very promising. Good luck tae ya Tom. When you move to Hollywood remember those who loved ya in Angelic Angels with Karen.
OK so i am petitioning opinions on holidays for next year. The only requirement is i must be able to dialyze. No other conditions. Please suprise me..
Blessings.

5 months on...

OK so the PRFC is planning a car boot sale (watch this space), and I never had any idea how much there was to organizing that. For my American friends, a car boot sale is like a lawn sale except everyone is at the same place and they buy a spot for the day to unload their car unto tables for selling and they sell their wares. There is a lot less driving around and you see a lot more stuff you need for your house.
SO first of all we need to get some posters out and spread the word so people attend. We need to determine how big a space to allot each person who buys a spot. We need to determine whether to have a bbq, or just finger food and soup. Do we sell home baking for coffee and teas? We need enough cash on hand to change larger bills people may bring. How and when do we decorate? who will clean it up?
Do you want to unload some stuff before winter? One persons trash is anothers' treasure. So when i hear more i will sure tell you.
 We have won monies that we must match by some percentage first before funds are released. IN practical terms, we can get some plumbing issues resolved, and flood lights for night games, parties, etc. We work so hard, and this will boost our efforts as the club seems to be expanding every year. My dream for down the road is equal facilities for Women and Girls Rugby at the club. It is not for me to play, but i would sure root them on. Scotland national team needs young ones recruited and trained now for the day their nations calls.
OK well that's my day, love to ya all.
Blessings

Jose Feliciano

OK we are on a musical adventure today. I am very unwell so don't ask. Last night i considered asking JIm to take me to the hospital.New topic.
Jose is a classical musician and a genius. This is my favorite song he does on this cd. He did not write it.
There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed.
Some forever, not for better.
And some have gone, and some remain.

All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can’t recall.
Some are dead and some are living.
In my life I love them all.

But of all these friends and lovers,
There is no one compares with you.
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.

Though I know I’ll never ever lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I’ll often stop and think about them.
In my life I love you more.

Though I know I’ll never ever lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I’ll often stop and think of them.
But in my life I loved you more.
I love you more.
I love you more. 


I think you have to be of a certain age to grasp the full beauty of htese sentiments. Music is one of God's greatest gifts, and i think this cd reminded me of how my moods can be so affected by the music i choose, and vice versa. Some songs like the Last thing On MY Mind makes me cry every time. The funny thing is, I am always thinking of someone else.
" I could have loved you better, I didn't mean to be unkind, you know it was the last thing on my mind."


and as my weeds are sadly growing too, I just pray God gives Jim the strength to love me one more day. I haven't had many relationships that i was not left behind in. So I wander back and forth between pretending i don't care if he goes, and begging him not to leave me. Yes i know that sounds psycho. Love makes me crazy because I never get to keep it. It is like i rent it awhile. I have pursued it,  and then watched it sift slowly through my fingers. I guess until i believe I am worth loving, i won't let others that close. OK so we have some work to do on the old self-esteem again. With the anniversary of 9/11 coming, I am a bit frightened where my thoughts are going. Ten years ago I thought I had the world by the butt.Now i have a new country, a new home, a new husband, and a new appreciation for home. I have had to accept that i may never see home again.ON good days i call this home. I mostly try not ot regret anything, as I have seen and done things most people can only dream of. And i am grateful.
Blessings