First hankerings

OK world here we go. This initial blog is primarily me flexing my muscles in writing after a long period of dis-ease in which I lost my words for a time. Well, let's be honest, I let fear take over my whole being and that affected my words and my desire to express them. For now I am not going to worry about grammar and punctuation.I have a degree that proves at one time I knew all that. For now I want to let words invade my life again and to be really happy. Anyhow, there are those among us (I am sure you know them) who are only happy in finding an error in what they read, so we will leave that to them for now.
I am not bothered about if you find my stories boring, they are mine and they are how I  saw things at that time. I will gladly hear rebuttals from the family and friends I describe, but I might as well tell you, except for my hubby, my best friend Ellen of 40 some odd years, and my brother I really only hope to entertain you. 
I was born a poor white child in Oneida Hospital in Madison County, NY. I felt very attached to my mother that day. The next forty years it was a bit of a struggle. Today through love and patience, my brother has made a family of the broken pieces my Dad's death left behind. The three of us are very close and can discuss anything we want to openly and honestly.
After a divorce where I was left behind like the trash, I vowed to never date again, so you will laugh to hear within a year I was remarried and living in Scotland. Me.The country mouse who had promised my Dad I would never leave Camden.The only person I knew in Scotland was my husband to be, and guess what? American English is different than UK English but you adjust.
Honesty was hard for me as I was raised in a "Don't see, Don't tell" kind of family. We just didn't share our business outside of the house. It kept my Father secure, but nearly cost my brother and I our sanity. Reality became whatever was presented to us--and Mom was not to be upset for any reason. Dad did that enough on his own. I always described Dad as a dinosaur--but in truth he was a coward. He lived within a mile of the house he was born in and never moved despite job offers for real money in another state. He liked the security of his extended family around him, and so that was that. He and my mother should have parted, but those were different times and so who can judge? 
My dad was very well read and many things interested him, especially WW2 and Big Bertha. He became frustrated at where he saw his state and country heading, and joked to me once we would be freer in Russia. He never believed that, he was just getting frustrated at the changes he couldn't understand. One week about a month after Christmas, (one which oddly everyone seemed to have made a kind of peace) my dad started having TIAs. He remarked to a co-worker how he had noticed how many people had lights out on their car after a heavy snow. The truth was he was very ill and had probably lost sight in one eye. That week he woke up to a massive stroke--not the hardening of the arteries type, his was a moving blood clot. The blood clot traveled to the base of his brain and wouldn't allow any oxygen to his brain. If he hadn't treated the TIAs with Thera-flu he would be alive today. He went the way he lived, in his sleep. He never spoke another word in my presence though he lingered for about a week. 
That week changed my life forever, much as my tumor had for my mother.When it was over we realized there had to be more to life than that. That meaning the situation we found ourselves in. Mine was a marriage long dead, and within a few months the end was in sight. I went on a rampage for months and ended up divorced, bitter, angry and spitting bile on any man in general. The odd bit in all this was I was supposed to be the Christian.The irony of that never escapes me, and that is how I can tell you for a certainty God has a sense of humor.