I have been cleaning out some old stories that i never finished or don't seem to be my words. When you are unwell it kills the time, and JIm would kill me if i hoovered today. Anyhoo, to make the house less quiet,I am playing Jim's Jose Feliciano tape. Every song is so different and some have no words at all, just his classical guitarist self coming out.
I think he was a little ahead of his time, and any new recordings he might make now would almost certainly "go viral" as the kids say.

Dying of boredom

There is a dark black hole out there somewhere and as often as I step in it, you would think instinct alone would tell me to run. I sense it may be near, and yet i need to dance over, around challenge it and go  through it to prove i am not scared.
I am so scared of the hole I could spit.The dry-mouthed totally frozen kind of reaction that nearly stops my heart. He is not going to change, and I am not going to change, and i stand as tall as I can and jump.

Shall we say men and women are different and leave it at that?

How is it possible to love someone so much and what to hit them with a spade at the same time? More politics from the rugby front and I am to keep a smile on and say nothing. It is not me he is having a pint with tonight, and the cat is even able to tell how mad i am and tip-toe around the joint.

Some blessings.

Knitting Needles!

We had a lovely breakfast at the Coffee Bean in Renfrew this am. If i tried to be more awkward I could not have succeeded. I came into the restaurant to find three members of staff taking a wee break cause the place was empty between breakfasters, I thinking the whole world lives for my humor, walked up to the table and said,"I am gonna sit here because it is easier to eavesdrop that way!", seriously thinking I would get  laughter thunderous applause and the like. One girl stared at me like I had two heads, and the other two were polite cause I am a customer. If only I was as funny as I think I am.

Then miss Big Bosoms no brain came to take our order. I do not eat the  big lumberjack breakfasts JIm likes, but I felt like living a little dangerously. SO instead of a bacon roll I ordered a doubler.That would be the bacon of two rolls, but not all the bread. The waitress said that the doubler comes with two fillings what did i want with my bacon, to which i said bacon. I meant to imply twice on the bacon. Then Jim jumped in to help, and then I was almost in tears. I am a wordsmith. I hunt for the right word to convey exactly what I mean all the time, and in real life with no computer I am constantly misunderstood. It isn't always the American slant on things, I genuinely cannot seem to say what I mean. I know what it sounds like in my head, but it comes out gibberish. And not just when the girl has more chesticles than brains.

Then i went next door to the overpriced gift shop, because I dont know where to buy knitting needles, cause I needed a size ten needle. Instead of telling where they were, she asks me what I am making. Fair enough, I told her I was making a blanket. What colour? Well I said I have some yarn to use up. I just need someone to cast the stitches on for me I said. She looked shocked and said, you are buying needles and you don't know how to knit? In my frustration i said, so you don't have needles, again coming off as a two-headed meany with a wart on my nose.

If I knew anywhere else that sold knitting needles I would have just walked out. She got my needles, I got saved by the bell as Jim sauntered into the store and we left. By the way, if any of you know ALison the wonder woman, she is gonna put the stitches on for  me. SO there rude lady from the shop. Wanna go to the Coffee Bean with me anyone? I saw a lovely carrot cake with my name on it there.

Blessings.

9000th viewing

I recently quit wrote my elders to explain why i had not been going to my new found church. I am sick, a lot and i feared they would worry i was unwell, which happily is untrue. I will always be sickly, but i am plenty healthy enough to attend church should i so desire.
I played a lot of games in my head as to the why I was playing hooky, but after looking at it from a few angles(trying to place the blame somewhere else) no matter it is no longer about what first annoyed me, not to attend is a choice, and one that I regret bitterly.

In addition I have been really feeling well enough to attack my house a bit more, so I am not blogging or Face Booking as much. The upside to blogging is it gives me an outlet to all the thoughts that buzz around in my head, and without blogging the whispers and tapes start rolling again. I was once told that I was so stupid I stank. I was once told I was a God-send. I was once told I was just mean. In school, people with no self-respect called me tank. It made me different because I was fat, and because I had a brain.

The only person who mattered to me growing up was Chucky. He said I was alright, and so I knew I was. His Mom was my babysitter and she lavished love and attention on all of us kids, not just her own. I miss her to this day, and many things have come up I wish I could talk over with her.

As Fall approaches I am a bit homesick for the apple-picking and making grape fruit wreaths after the grapes were picked. I miss popcorn and cider made at the Stoltz residence. A lot of my best memories are at Ellen's with no kids or men around. Jack liked when I came because I would pitch in. I could clean and Ellen could cook and Jack seemed please we spent time together. Plus, Ellen had a modern dishwasher, can you imagine?

I sometimes get mad at her family for how they treat her, but she puts up with it and seems happy with Jack so I don't push it. I have yet to meet the man who just chips in without suggestion, although my illness has made Jim more essential than I would have liked. I do not like knowing I would be sunk if Jim left me, so I comfort myself hoping ot would be somewhat hard for him too. It is so hard to trust someone would be here because they love me, so I foolishly keep trying to win the man I already have. Re-reading that last sentence sounds crazy to me, too .
Well, I am hoping to get to Murettes house to visit this weekend, and to get my fat butt to church Sunday. Time to face the music before they really do forget me. Thanks for your prayers for Murette, she is coming along great, and is home already from the ward. She doesnt ride with us any longer, as she requires a two-man ambulance the now. I am (yes I know) kinda missing her. Oh well, more news as soon as I make some. Bye for now and blessings.

this marks my 9000th post read.

I live in a land that after the Dunblane tragedy, the people decided to voluntarily give up most of their guns. This was poignantly brought home today when two policewoman, responding to a domestic burglary report were assassinated and then a grenade was thrown at them. After a while the fellow turned himself in, and come to find out was wanted already for some previous murders allegedly. He was at least a person of interest in previous grenade toting crimes.

Now do i think America is foolish for all their gun toting weirdos> You bet I do. But tonight I wonder about a land where police can be killed with no thought of capital punishment. At the very least, I think guns are appropriate for domestic calls, because the fellow today lured the cops to where he was with a false report of a crime. This shows a level of premeditation, and so the eternal dilemma begins. DO I really believe in fewer guns out there? and what if me or mine are assaulted with gun crime?

IN my home nation, i think there are tougher penalties for killing a police dog than the man who killed these women will get. I am honest enough to say no sentence will bring the women back, but you can't only have gun control when it suits you. You either have iit, and live with the repercussions, o we become another America, where their children are mowed down like grass in school and playgrounds. Having said all this, no gun the carried would have stopped a grenade lobbed at them, either. We mourn with the Police force tonight and support the many who risk their lives so I can be safe within my home. I pray there is a hell tonight, so that Karma can do what our legal system cannot.

Blessings, especially to the families left behind in this tragedy.

Sad September

This morning as I was dressing I noticed something new to me. The last few letters in September spell ember. To me ember implies heat, and September is when Dad always brought home the wood he had chopped all summer. He would try when possible to use wood that was already down, although being dried
it was harder to chop. My dad taught me the old saw, chopping wood warms you twice. It is when we got a winter deposit of fuel to back up cold days when Dad was at work and the fire went out.

If I had it to do again, I wish I had filled the wood box more often. I wish I had done something nice for him for all those nights he had to get out of a warm bed and go down  to the cold manky basement to get wood for the firebox Bill and I never filled. If Dad had lived till I was a parent I think he would have seen me finally mature a bit. But wishes aren't actions and i was a selfish kid. I wanted fire and i didn't want to help get it.

I often wonder why Dad loved Mom and us so, he was constantly nagged and called names, and we did not have compassion because we had never loved someone so flawed. Now i am with JIm I can see how you can love and dislike someone sometimes at the same time. My head can hold those two incongruous thoughts. Or maybe I am the looney.

I miss my Dad. I used to miss him as my hero, now I know he was very human, and somehow i love him even more. But I wasted a lot of chances to see him that I wish I had taken. Don't be like me. Give the old man a call. He may one day have a home he can't take calls in. I used to hope there was a heaven so I could go there. Now i pray there is one so my Dad is reunited with his brothers, and happily waiting.
Blessings.